Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!
by Lucille Bluejay
Summary: zim and dib's daily quarrels attract a new insane member! as time goes on, serious issues arise that put their lives and reputations at risk! what happens? INSANITY AND CHAOS, thats what! look inside for better summary! comments plz? IT ISN'T THAT BAD....
1. Chapter 1: A Sneaky New Surprise of DOOM

**Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!**

By Lucille Bluejay

Rating: PG

Warnings: None, unless the minor violence counts.

Disclaimer: I, Lucille Bluejay, do not own the characters from the Nikelodeon cartoon Invader Zim. I do not own Zim, Dib, Gaz, G.I.R., Professor Membrane, or Miss Bitters. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AND THE CREDIT FOR THE CHARACTERS CAN GO TO Mr. Jhonen Vasquez. Well, actually I do own ONE character, but who cares?

Summary: As Zim and Dib continue with their usual crazy and dangerous antics, a new kid is caught up in the quarrel. But soon suspicions arise, bombs explode, a certain Irken is tossed about like a rag doll, a certain young paranormal investigator becomes a test subject for unimaginable tests of PAIN, and a certain mindless robot is kidnapped! Yeah, whoop-di-friggin'-doo. INSANITY INSUES! PARTNERSHIPS DESTROYED! CONDIMENTS BOILED! AWESOME RAD TECHNO MUSIC SCREAMS! AND ZIM'S MISSION IS PUT AT RISK! DIB IS INTRODUCED TO FOODCOURTIAN COOKWARE! AND G.I.R. IS ADMIRED BY A VERY CREEPY CHILD! If this doesn't interest you then just turn back. NOW.

**Chapter 1: A Sneaky New Surprise of DOOM!**

Monday, November 1, 2010 was going to be a very important day for one certain young paranormal investigator. As the sun began to rise and shine its light through the putrid clouds of pollution that hovered over the neighborhood, most of the children were still asleep in bed as their parents began cooking breakfast. Yes, to those _normal_ children—it would be just another dull and boring Monday of skool but not in the Membrane household. For the Membrane family, each day would be full of insanity and annoyance, thanks to one boy named Dib. And that day, November 1, 2010, wouldn't be any different.

Professor Membrane was just heading up the stairs from his basement lab and towards the kitchen when the smell of burning toast reached his senses. Running up the last few steps and standing in the doorframe with a raised eyebrow, he saw his daughter Gaz standing in front of a toaster that was releasing a steady stream of dark grey smoke. He walked up to his daughter and towered over her with a deep crease in between his goggled eyes.

"Gaz," he said as sternly as he could. "What have I told you about eating burnt toast? You know that your stomach is going to be charred black if you do!"

"Hey Dad," she said, completely ignoring his question and grabbing the burnt slice of bread as it popped out of the toaster. She walked away and settled herself on a chair beside the dining table. The professor looked her up and down, noticing in surprise that she was already fully dressed for school. He looked around the kitchen and then towards the entrance to the living room for his son but found no trace of him.

"Where is your brother?" he asked Gaz, taking up the seat next to her. "Did he leave for school already?"

"No," Gaz answered through a mouthful of toast. Taking another bite she said, "He's still in the garage."

"The garage? But hasn't he been there since Friday afternoon?"

"Yep."

"Well—go get him. I don't want you two to be late and—"

He was cut off by a loud beeping from his communicator watch. Professor Membrane pulled down his heavy black glove and pushed a small black button on the watch. A holographic screen appeared over his wrist and the image of a man with wild green hair in a lab coat similar to the professor's own showed on the screen.

"Doctor Blackhead," Professor Membrane said cheerfully. "Nice to see you again! What seems to be the problem?"

"_What's the problem_?" the image screeched, his face contorting into complete terror. "The _problem_ is that the flesh-eating chicken egg escaped! We need your help! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

The crazed doctor began to scream, a sound that was so painfully ear-shattering that it made Gaz want to rip off her dad's watch and chuck it into the garbage disposal with the blades spinning on high.

"Okay, okay, calm down doctor," he said loudly over the man's screams, pushing away from the table and standing up. "I'll be right there, but does this mean that the pot-luck lunch we were planning is cancelled?"

Suddenly the man's face became eerily calm and said in a pleasant voice, "Oh, of course not! Still gonna bring those tarts you've been talking about? Everyone wants to try them!"

"Why wouldn't I? I'll be there as soon as I can!"

"Great! Don't forget the sporks!"

A loud boom sounded and the doctor's face was shadowed by smoke. He let out an ear-splitting scream as the image of an egg with large yellow eyes and gaping wide mouth full of sharp teeth tackled him out of the screen. "Noooooo!!!!! I want to live! I WANT TO LIVE!!!!! DON'T EAT MY FACE!!!!"

Professor Membrane pressed the button on the watch again and the screen disappeared. He straightened out his coat and was about to head out the back door when he turned back to his daughter, "Gaz, go get Dib! And do you want me to bring anything back from the pot-luck?"

Shoving the last bit of toast into her mouth, and opening one of her eyes to look at her father she said, "Yeah. They got pizza?"

"Yes, they do," he made a quick dash back to pat her head roughly, completely ruffling her head of purple hair. He said a quick good-bye and headed out the door without another word.

Gaz grumbled to herself, shaking her head furiously until her hair was neatly back in place. She followed her father's route to the outside and stood in front of the garage door. Inside she could hear her stupid brother's rambling melding with a flurry of zapping and whizzing sounds. Gaz raised her tiny fist and pounded unmercifully on the door.

"Dib! Get out here!" she said loudly. Not hearing an answer she began to bang both of her fists onto the metal. "DIB! YOU LITTLE FREAK, GET OUT HERE NOW! IT'S MONDAY AND TIME FOR SCHOOL!"

The rambling and whizzing came to an abrupt stop and the garage door flew up. Dib stood there staring wide eyed at his sister, a look of complete exhaustion and insanity on his face. Seeing Dib's crazier than normal appearance Gaz said, "You know what? Forget it. I'm leaving without you."

She turned away and was about to march back through the house when he suddenly grabbed her arm. His hands were completely soaked with sweat and a weird sticky pink substance. Gaz growled like a mad dog and threw off his hands. She frantically wiped her sleeve against her shirt and in a dangerously low voice she said, "If you EVER touch me with those filthy hands of yours again I WILL destroy you Dib."

"N-n-no! Wait!" Dib said and stood in her way before she continued on. His eye twitched slightly as he shakily dusted himself off and tried to flatten down his wild black hair. "I-is it really Monday? _Already_?"

"Yeah doofus," she answered bitterly. "Move. _Now_!"

"I—uh—um—just wait for me! I'll meet you out front!"

He shot back through the garage door, letting it fall back down with a loud metallic thunk. Gaz shook her head, walking through the house and scooping up her backpack. She continued on until she was outside the front door which she closed behind her with a loud slam. She kept going, settling herself on the sidewalk and looking back at the house. After a second she left, deciding to walk by herself. She was half way down the street when an annoying nasly voice called out to her, "Hey! Wait for me!"

Gaz paid no attention and continued walking. Eventually Dib caught up, panting heavily and filling the air with his foul morning breath. Gaz stopped in mid-step, her face contorting into deep disgust. Gagging loudly—she rifled through her pocket, pulling out a stick of mint gum and shoving it into his mouth. Dib gagged, coughing up the gum into his hand. Gaz smiled to herself as she walked away from her brother. Idiot, she thought.

"Would it have killed you to unwrap it first?" Dib yelled, tearing off the gum wrapper and tossing it away. He chewed angrily on the gum, catching up and falling in step with his sister. Dib readjusted the large bag on his shoulders, letting out a loud grunt of exhaustion. Gaz glared at him through the corner of her eye and hastened her pace, hoping to get as far away from him as possible. Dib let out a sigh of frustration and followed suit. My legs, he thought as his body throbbed in pain. My arms! My shoulders! And whatever that place behind my knees is called! Oh the _pain_!

The sun rose higher as they made their way out of the neighborhood and into a more urban setting. They crossed another road, and headed into the city park's entrance. Walking quickly down the park's biking trail, Dib panted heavily as the strain of the backpack's weight seemed to crush his shoulders. Gaz growled softly and said in a flat voice, "What's with you? What the heck is your problem Dib?"

"Ugh…" he let out another grunt and readjusted the bag on his shoulders again. And in between raspy pants he said, "Well…if you _must_ know…I got a little surprise for…egh—that alien-dirt bag Zim! You see, I've been working….on a….on a special bomb since—jeez this thing is heavy—last Friday. It took me _forever_ to…to get its velocity just right…and the…the contents in the bomb itself….weren't…weren't that easy to get a hold of either. You see…I had to go through…through _so many_ park benches….desks…and bus seats to…."

Gaz frowned deeply. Should have known better than to ask that big-headed moron Dib what was wrong. She tried to run—but somehow, even with that big bag weighing him down, Dib was still able to keep up. They exited out of the park, passed several shops that were just beginning to open, and were almost to the school but Dib STILL wouldn't shut up! He kept ranting and blabbing on and on about his stupid surprise for Zim…something to do with carbonated water and lots of used bubble gum. The two of them were at the skool's front gate when Gaz slammed her hands over her ears and let out a yell.

"And then when that space boy is glued to the chair I can—"

He was cut off abruptly by Gaz who took hold of his pointy hair scythe by the root. Dib winced in pain and fear as she tightened her grip and pulled him closer. The look on her face showed blinding rage and through gritted teeth she hissed, "Shut _up_ Dib! Or I swear I will shove that bomb of yours down your throat and set it off myself!"

Gaz shoved him down onto the pavement, giving him a hard kick in the leg before turning away and walking towards the skool's front doors. She sat on down on the steps and pulled out her GS2, giving her brother one last death glare before completely immersing herself in her game. Dib let out a loud huff and got up, sliding the bag off his shoulders and deciding it would be easier to hold it in his arms than carry it on his back. He lifted it up and felt nearly all his joints pop at the sudden strain.

"Okay never mind!" he squeaked in a pained voice. With some difficulty, Dib managed to pull the bag over his back and trudge down the courtyard towards the skool. Once he reached the entrance he pulled at the doors' handles. Locked, he thought. No duh.

Dib gave the doors a kick, pulling out an old used-up credit card from his pocket and shoved it into the small slit between the doors. He jiggled the doors' handles while sliding the card down to block the locks and when the doors finally opened he rushed in, heading straight for his homeroom class. Dib ran through several familiar dimly lit halls and turned the corner that led to his homeroom, only to bump into his ancient teacher Miss Bitters.

Dib fell to the ground with a gasp of surprise escaping his mouth. Miss Bitters' snake-like figure towered over him and quickly bent forward, a look of utter malice forming on her wrinkled face.

"_You_…" that single word made Dib shudder in fear. Her be-speckled eyes narrowed in rage. "Dib, what are you doing in school so early? Go back outside and wait until the bell rings for admittance!"

"Ms. Bitters! I—I was just coming in to—to—uh…." Dib's stuttering became uncontrollably as he tried to explain that he was just there to get a head start on their project. Wow, that was unconvincing. But his incoherent blathering got Miss Bitters to clap her hands over her ears and slither down the hall hastily towards the teacher's lounge. When she disappeared from view Dib let out a sigh of relief and got to work on breaking into the room. It was pretty easy; he did the same trick with the credit card with the skool's front doors.

The door let out a loud creak as he peeked inside. Dib rushed to the desk that was in the front row and closest to the door, Zim's assigned desk. A smirk spread across Dib's face as he set his bag down, pulling out a large clear box full of bubbly liquid and sliding it carefully into the desk's hollow compartment. And with some difficulty, he pulled out a small bright pink cube from the bag. Dib let out a long grunt of strain as he held it up. The cube fell to the floor, crushing his fingers beneath its impressive weight.

"Owwwwww!" he said loudly, wincing at the unbelievable pain. Dib pulled out his fingers and waved his hands frantically. _Dang_ did that hurt! He growled in pain, using his boot to shove the cube underneath Zim's chair. Grunting loudly, he got on his hands and knees and used all his strength to attach it to the chair's underside. Once done, Dib got up and scooped up his bag, pulling it over his shoulders securely. He rummaged through his coat pocket, exhuming a high-tech digital camera. Raising it to his eye he let out a triumphant 'ha ha!'.

"At last! I can finally expose that alien-scumbag for what he really is!" Dib let out loud burst of laughter. "As soon that bubblegum bomb goes off and covers Zim in a massive wad of gum, he'll be rendered helpless as he's glued to the floor. THEN the carbonated water bomb will go off in his face, burning his every last evil alien cell showing PROOF that he's got an alien body! Once that's done and I'm done laughing in that sick green face of his, I'll pull of his disguise and take pictures of it in front of the WHOLE class! Then _everybody_ will finally believe me!"

Dib let out a loud whoop, running around the class wildly with a big grin on his face. He did a little flip and laded on top of Miss Bitters' desk. He threw up his hands saying in a disturbingly cheerful voice, "They'll _all_ finally believe me! This is gonna be great! They'll finally see the truth and with _my_ help they can stop Zim and his evil alien race of world invading…alien….people….thing."

Dib's voice faltered when he couldn't make up a better name. He let out a meek cough and jumped off the desk to re-check the bombs. They were both sensitive to sudden shocks (as in if someone were to jump on them they would go off). Dib checked the sturdiness of the chair to make sure its legs wouldn't fall and let it collapse on top of the gum bomb. He also gave the desk a reasonably hard tap, pulling back his hand and throwing his arms over himself for protection. Nope. The bomb didn't go off. Good!

Satisfied with his work, and with the knowledge that neither of them would go off too soon, Dib walked out of the classroom with a slight swing in his step. He whistled a light tune as he carefully relocked the door and quietly shut it behind himself. A big smile came across his face as he turned to head back outside, but then something at the end of the hall caught his eye. He did a little back-track and turned around, looking straight down the hall at the person standing there.

It was a boy about the same age as Dib with blonde hair that was neatly combed back and wide green eyes. But that wasn't the strange part. The boy was completely out of place because of the neatly pressed dark blue _prep school_ uniform he wore. Dib raised a brow in suspicion as the boy looked down the halls that opened up to his left and right. The boy looked up that the arrows pasted the wall that pointed down either direction. The one on the left said 'cafeteria' and the one on the right said 'school offices'. He turned to the right and disappeared down the hall. After a split second he ran in the other direction towards the cafeteria. And in that split second Dib was able to make out a sly and sinister grin on the boys face.

Hey…Dib thought. I _know_ that twisted smile! And why would a prep school kid be doing in this skool? Wait a sec….its gotta be Zim!

Dib ran down the hall after the boy. But when he reached the cafeteria doors he found them locked and no sign of that prep school kid. Dib jumped and tried to get a glimpse through the doors' small grimy windows, but from what he could see the place was totally empty.

"That's weird," Dib said to himself once he landed back on his feet. "I could've sworn I saw somebody…hm….wait a minute—cool! A ghost is in the school! Maybe I can get a picture of it after I expose Zi—"

BAM! BAM! BAM!

Dib nearly jumped out of his coat when he heard that loud banging coming from the cafeteria doors. He let out a short scream and fell on his butt, looking up at the small windows with wide eyes. A pair of green eyes glared back at him through the dirty glass and the boy in the prep school uniform gave the door a few more hard pounds before yelling at the top of his lungs.

"HEY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?" he bellowed, his voice barely being muffled by the doors. He slammed his fists against the windows in anger. "Get me outta here! I'm locked inside!"

"What the—?" Dib scrambled to his feet and pulled at the doors. They were tightly shut but with a few more good tugs they went flying open, sending both boys tumbling onto the floor. Dib groaned as he got up, rubbing his sore behind. The other growled angrily and stood up quickly, dusting off his jacket and slacks.

Dib looked at him suspiciously. No, it didn't look like Zim in disguise. But then it could've been one of that alien-scum's cleverly cloaked robots. Dib took a step closer, completely invading the boy's personal space and peering into his face. No, that couldn't be the reason. The kid wasn't moving in jerky motions or talking in a slow jerky voice like Zim's robots.

"Can I help you?" the boy asked angrily when Dib got a little too close for comfort.

"Yeah," Dib shot back. "Are you some kind of stupid robot working for a short and annoying green alien? Or are you him in disguise?"

The boy gave Dib a hard shove to the chest, "Who are you calling a stupid robot you pointy-haired freak?"

Dib landed on his butt again and let out a cry of pain. He jumped up and ran in tiny circles as he rubbed his aching behind. Maybe it was a bad idea to put that camera in his back pocket after all. After several seconds of Dib's short yelps and stupid running, the prep-kid growled in annoyance and shot out his hand, taking hold onto Dib's arm, "Okay—stop! I'm sorry for doing that._ Jeez_."

Well, his grasp certainly didn't feel robotic, Dib thought. And no robot of Zim's would ever apologize like that. But is still wouldn't hurt to be careful around this guy.

"You lost or something?" Dib asked, his eyebrow rising in suspicion.

"No duh, Sherlock," he answered bitterly. "You know where the principal's office is? I'm new here and I kinda got lost…"

"You 'kinda got lost'? But I _saw_ you go down the right direction to the skool offices then run in the other way! And just so you know, the cafeteria isn't the principal's office."

"Oh. That. Ughm….." he paused for a moment, thinking of a good answer. He rubbed the back of his head nervously as Dib crossed his arms and began to tap his foot. "I…uh…wanted to….get something to eat? Yeah! That's it! I kinda got hungry and I thought I could grab something in the cafeteria."

"Right…." Dib didn't believe a word that kid just said. "Well, since you're new, I'll just tell you right now that this skool doesn't serve breakfast. Not enough money for that in the skool's funds. So why _were_ you in the cafeteria?"

"I just told you," he said exasperatedly. "I got hungry and thought I could get something to eat. Sheesh!"

He turned away and stomped down the hall before freezing in mid-step and pointing ahead of himself, "Uh…offices are that way? Or was it back down that way? Or…dang it! Curse you short-term memory!"

"I'll walk you there if you want," Dib offered, completely convinced now that the kid wasn't a robot or Zim in disguise. He caught up with him and guided him further down the hall and turned a corner.

"Egh thanks," he said. He stuck out his hand in greeting. "My name is Mich by the way."

"My name's Dib," he said politely and shook Mich's hand.

"Sorry about being mean a few seconds ago. You know how it is—being a new kid, I mean. New skool, new people, new horrifying lunch food that you'd only have to be desperate enough to eat….yeah, it puts a major strain on a person's nice-ness levels."

"Yeah, I hear ya."

They kept silent for a while after that, the only sounds being their soft footsteps on the hard tiled floors. Mich seemed to gawk at everything; from the dirty beige walls, to the drippy ventilation system in the ceiling, and to the posters that promoted education in a far from subtle manner. Dib eyed him from the corner of his eye the entire trip to the principal's office. It wasn't until they were in a hallway with double doors at the very end that were labeled 'principal's office' in big bold letters that Dib spoke up.

"Why are you in a uniform? You sure you're in the right skool?" Dib asked.

"Hm? What—you mean this?" Mich said, looking down at himself. "It's just something I was forced into by my grandma. 'Look handsome for your new teachers' she said. Pfft, I really couldn't care less. Besides, this is the only elementary skool within a hundred mile radius. I'm sure I'm in the right place."

"Uuuuukaaayyyy," the word came out slowly from Dib's mouth. He looked towards the end of the hall at the double doors. "Well, that's it. The principal's office. But you better be careful, he's not exactly what you call nice…or normal for that matter."

"Tough guy eh?" Mich said. He grinned brightly but in a low and slightly scary voice he said, "We'll see about that. But 'ey—" His tone suddenly changing back to cheery. "Thanks for helping me get here….Dib, was it?"

"Yep, no problem."

They stood there looking at each other appreciatively for a moment before Mich continued down the hall by himself with his head held high.

"I guess I'll see you around then!" Dib called out to him.

"Yep! Same to you!" Mich answered back. When he reached the doors, he gave Dib a small wave goodbye. Dib smiled and returned the gesture but then he froze when the door opened and a large black hand quickly snatched Mich inside. His eyes went wide and his arm fell limp to his side.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

Dib started and ran as fast as he could. Forgetting all about Mich and worrying about what would happen to him if that person inside that office came out to get him.


	2. Chapter 2: BOOM BOOM, Babey, BOOM BOOM!

**Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!**

By Lucille Bluejay

Rating: PG

Warnings: None, unless the minor violence counts.

Disclaimer: I, Lucille Bluejay, do not own the characters from the Nikelodeon cartoon Invader Zim. I do not own Zim, Dib, Gaz, G.I.R., Professor Membrane, or Miss Bitters. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AND THE CREDIT FOR THE CHARACTERS CAN GO TO Mr. Jhonen Vasquez. Well, actually I do own ONE character, but who cares?

Summary: As Zim and Dib continue with their usual crazy and dangerous antics, a new kid is caught up in the quarrel. But soon suspicions arise, bombs explode, a certain Irken is tossed about like a rag doll, a certain young paranormal investigator becomes a test subject for unimaginable tests of PAIN, and a certain mindless robot is kidnapped! Yeah, whoop-di-friggin'-doo. INSANITY INSUES! PARTNERSHIPS DESTROYED! CONDIMENTS BOILED! AWESOME RAD TECHNO MUSIC SCREAMS! AND ZIM'S MISSION IS PUT AT RISK! DIB IS INTRODUCED TO FOODCOuRTIAN COOKWARE! AND G.I.R. IS ADMIRED BY A VERY CREEPY CHILD! If this doesn't interest you then just turn back. NOW.

**Chapter 2: BOOM BOOM, Babey, BOOM BOOM**!

"Air…air!" Dib wheezed as he burst through the skool's doors and fell on all fours. He breathed heavily, taking in several deep gulps of air and spitting out his gum. Dib crawled across the concrete and took a seat beside his sister on the steps.

"Met up with the principal again didn't you?" Gaz said as she kept her gaze down on her GS2.

"No…" he responded breathlessly. He took a single, very long, intake of air and let out slowly. Dib stared blankly into space before he placed his hands behind his head and leaned back slightly. A sigh of content escaped his mouth as a smile came to his face. "Mission," he said happily. "Accompli—"

Gaz's hand shot out and wrapped itself tightly around Dib's throat. He let out a short gag of surprise at the sudden lack of air. His eyes seemed to bulge out of his eyes while he clawed at Gaz's hand. She let out a low growl, putting her GS2 down to pull out several sticks of mint gum from her pocket.

"Your breath REEKS." Gaz said with utter hatred. She thrust the gum into his throat and instantly let go. Picking up her GS2, she muttered something about Dib being a stinking stupid pig-dork.

Dib gagged and coughed wildly, spitting out all the gum onto his hands. He gasped for air, shooting his sister an angry glare afterwards. Dib breathed into his hand and took a quick sniff. He practically shouted a cry of disgust at how _awful_ it smelt. Okay, he thought angrily at himself. No more eating jerky, old pizza, or cold cuts while doing a three-day-long project. Dib unwrapped all eight pieces of gum and popped them into his mouth without a second thought.

The sun rose higher and higher, and during that time several cars drove by and dropped off children. Soon the entire courtyard was filled and became rather cramped when a bus came by to drop off an enormous horde of screaming kids. Dib checked his watch and looked back at the school doors. Time seemed to go by so slowly when you were looking forward to something. Dib whined quietly at the anticipation he felt, giving his watch several more glances and wished for it to move faster. Come on…come on…come on! Move faster, he thought angrily at his watch.

Dib rifled through his pocket and felt for his detonators for the bombs. The first was a sleek and cold rod with a button on top that was meant for the carbonated water bomb. The second was a small round disk with a button on its center. Dib gingerly pulled out his hand in fear of accidentally pressing both and setting off the bombs. He let out a frustrated sigh, looking back at the doors and silently begging for the bell to ring.

Dib looked forward and let his shoulders droop. The loud chatter of the students in front of him filled his ears, but in a short moment something else could be heard. It was a very distant high-pitched siren. Dib's head snapped up and he looked around for the source of the sound. Thinking it was probably just another ambulance siren or a fire truck, Dib lowered his gaze. Within a few seconds the siren got a louder and louder until it was almost deafening. Everyone, excluding Gaz of course, looked up in surprise as a familiar green child on top of an equally green dog zoomed over head.

Zim was screaming at the top of his lungs as he flew G.I.R. over the skool building. They zoomed this way and that, taking sharp turns in mid-air and doing several spins and loops. It wasn't until the bright blue flames emanating from the end of the dog's stubby legs sputtered and died altogether that they were sent diving headfirst into the pavement several feet below. All of the students' eyes bulged in amazement as they hit the ground and sent up a large cloud of smoke and dust.

The air was thick with silence and shock as Zim struggled to his feet to stand up. He leaned forward, his back giving a several loud pops. He grabbed his head with his gloved hands and twisted it to the right sharply. Another loud pop and Zim groaned even louder with agony. He squeezed his eyes shut, dusting himself off angrily. The green dog with the wide googily eyes and seam in the middle of his head hopped up and began to run wildly around Zim's legs, letting out a very long and ear-shattering scream of joy.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Let's do it again!"

Several gasps came from the children watching them, causing Zim's eyes to fly open. He stared wide-eyed at the large group in front of him nervously. His eyes darted from face to face as he thought of a good explanation of his sudden crash into the pavement and his 'dog's' speaking ability. Zim stuck out his leg and tripped G.I.R. in the middle of his wild running.

"Uh….." that single word was said slowly and in a very stupid tone. Zim looked around nervously, hoping anything else around him would provide him an answer.

"ZIM!"

Zim's fake blue eyes shot forward. He watched as a black scythe pop up near the very back of the crowd and quickly made its way towards him.

"Dib…" Zim hissed with utter malevolence. When Dib finally pushed his way to the front Zim narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms tightly around his chest. Oh how he _hated_ that nosy little human stink-beast. He glared at Dib fiercely, wishing that his gaze really _would_ burn a hole through that enormous head. Everyday…._every_ stinking day that little worm would get in Zim's face and accuse him of being an alien. But we all know what happens in the end, Zim thought as a small sneering grin came to his face. He yells I'm an alien. I come up with a perfect excuse. These stupid pig-smellies believe every word I say. Dib-monkey loses, and I win. Why would today be any different?

"What's wrong Zim?" Dib yelled in his usual accusing tone. He spit out his gum at Zim but missed. "Got tired of walking to skool on your skinny little alien legs so you decided to ride your robot minion today? Huh? Huh? How stupid are you for flying over us in broad daylight like that? I mean COME ON!"

"Silence you filthy worm-baby!" Zim shot back, giving Dib a hard shove to the chest. "My pet dog-beast just decided to follow me to skool today…"

"Are you joking me with this?" Dib returned Zim's hard shove and poked his green head in disbelief. "Is that the best you can come up with? That was just pathetic, space-boy!"

"PATHETIC? How dare you mock Zim and not believe his perfectly true words!"

"Then how do you explain the jet fuel exhaust coming out of your so called 'dog's' legs?"

Zim was about to shout something in response when he went limp. How could he explain that? Thinking quickly he answered, "It's a very serious condition called uh….um…flaming-dog-leg syndrome. YES, that's it! My poor pet-thing always gets that way when ever he's excited or really, really sad. And there is no cure for it…"

Zim wiped away and imaginary tear from the corner of his eye as he pouted a little. The crowd behind Dib gave out a short 'aww' and several comments of how their pets would act weird too when they had to be separated from them. Dib spun around a looked at them in disbelief. He threw out his hands and nearly screamed, "Oh come ON people! You actually believe Zim's lies? What is wrong with all of you? That isn't even a real dog! Did you guys not see how it was flying over us a second ago? It isn't a real dog! I mean what kind of dog has googily eyes, a seam on his face, a zipper on his chest, and is _green_?"

A small whimper caused Dib to turn around. He looked down to find Zim's 'dog' looking up at him with big watery eyes. G.I.R. let out another whimper, moving closer to Zim and hugging his leg tightly. Zim looked down at him in surprise but soon a mischievous smile grew onto his face. He turned back to Dib, his expression suddenly changing from eerily happy to hateful.

"See what you did Dib? You hurt my pet-thing's feelings!" Zim knelt down beside G.I.R. and looked at him with fake concern and slight grief. G.I.R. looked up at him with big sad puppy eyes and buried his face in Zim's dark pink striped shirt. Zim gave him a pat on the back and in a sick baby voice he said, "Daww…don' be sad my wittle doggie woggie. Did that mean FAT HEAD hurt your feewings?"

G.I.R. nodded and let out a louder whimper. Dib stared at them with a 'what the heck is wrong with you' look. He turned to the other kids and saw a lot of them beginning to get teary at Zim's affectionate display. His mouth dropped open and his eyebrows furrowed.

Zim shot Dib a quick mocking smile before continuing to baby G.I.R., "Did it hurt you when he said you weren't a real dog?"

G.I.R. pulled away from Zim and nodded sadly. Zim let out another long and pathetic 'daww' before gathering him into his arms and rocking him gently. "It's okay…" he cooed. "That stupid pig-beast doesn't know what he's saying! You _are_ a real dog and nothing that any FILTHY earth-filth-worm-baby can ever change that! You're the bestest, bestest, _bestest_ doggie woggie that anyone could ever hope for!"

Zim hugged G.I.R. tightly and the crowd let out a very loud and long 'aww'. Some of them even started to clap. What is wrong with these people? Dib yelled in his head. Zim put G.I.R. down on the ground, patting his head affectionately. "Feel better?" he asked gently with one of the fakest smiles Dib had ever seen in his life. G.I.R. nodded happily and licked his master's face feverishly. Zim laughed whole-heartedly, he gave G.I.R. one last hug and pet before standing up with a toothy smile on his sickly green face.

The little green dog shot forward and latched himself onto Zim's leg, cooing softly. Zim's eye twitched slightly as the smile he had begun to fade. He shook his leg a little then furiously to get his 'dog' off. Zim looked to the crowd and chuckled weakly. He bent down quickly, and with a lot of effort and grunting he managed to get G.I.R. off and set him on the ground on all fours. Zim towered over him with that strained smile barely clinging to his face.

"Okay," he said loudly and firmly. "Go home now."

G.I.R. simply looked at him with a blank stare.

"Eheheh….go _home_." Zim emphasized the word heavily. His eye began to twitch with impatience. He leaned forward and said it again with and even heavier emphasis. "_Goooooooo_..._hooooooooommmmmmmmmme_." A long moment of silence. "Uh, please?"

G.I.R. let out a joyous bark and ran down the street. He stopped for a second and waved Zim goodbye, then he crossed the street and disappeared from view. Zim let out a loud sigh and held out his arms, "Ah pets…so what're ya gonna do, right?"

He received several approving nods and smiles of understanding. The bell rang high and shrill, instantly causing the mass of children to head inside the skool. Zim and Dib didn't move an inch as they stared each other. Zim had a triumphant look while Dib had a look of absolute rage cemented on his face.

"I hate you," Dib growled, narrowing his eyes even further.

"Yes, I know," laughed Zim. He neatly folded his arms behind his back and marched past Dib with his head held high. "And _you_ know that _I_ always win, isn't that right Dib-loser?"

Dib growled angrily, muttering under his breath, "Yeah? Well we'll just see about that later in class you alien dirt-bag…"

Everyone filed quietly into class and took their assigned seats with a depressed air. Yet another dull Monday of school was the message that their gloomy faces said. Once in his seat beside the window, Dib eyed Zim as he took his place in his desk beside the door. Dib glowered angrily in Zim's direction. Just you wait alien, he thought with a deep frown on his face. Zim looked towards Dib, noticing him glowering, and stuck out his long striped tongue and blew a short raspberry. He looked forward and intertwined his fingers together on top of the desk and tried to look innocent. Dib's frown deepened at that alien's gesture and let his head fall onto the desk with a loud frustrated thunk.

Without lifting his head he pulled out the small disc detonator and held it tightly in his hand. He turned his head slightly to the side to get a better look at Zim. Nope, that green freak was still unsuspecting as he sat there and tried to look angelic. The corner of Dib's mouth perked up as he fiddled with the disc in-between his hands underneath the desk. With a sneering smile on his face Dib slowly reached his finger towards the button. I got you now Zim! He thought triumphantly.

WHAM!

Dib jumped in his seat and nearly dropped the disc when the door flew open. Miss Bitters slithered inside and stood before the class with a look of disgust on her face as she scanned the room.

"_No_," she hissed towards the door. "_No_, there's not enough room for that little brat in here."

A tall shadowed figure in the doorway narrowed its eyes at Miss Bitters. And in a husky voice it said, "So? Move one of those kids to the underground classes like you did last time. Or would you rather have to talk to the _principal_ about it?"

Miss Bitters growled angrily at the figure in the doorway, but complied anyway. She scanned the room again, ignoring the wide-eyed stares coming from the students. Her arm stretched out as she pointed a single finger over each aisle. Her finger stopped at the chubby boy in the overly stuffed red jacket, causing him to gasp fearfully. Her finger suddenly moved and landed on a filthy boy with several flies buzzing about him who sat in the back of the class. "You," Ms. Bitters said. "You'll have to do. Besides, your putrid fumes are starting to set into the walls."

The dirt-boy let out a deformed, horrified screech as his chair fell into the trap door beneath him. Another empty chair rose up and took its place. Miss Bitters turned to the figure with a look of malice on her face, "_There_, now bring him in."

A boy with neatly combed blonde hair and wide green eyes was shoved into the room. The door was slammed shut and the boy winced at the sound. The entire class was silent as they gawked at the new student. Dib's eyebrows shot up at the sight of Mich. What were the odds of him being in the same class? Really, what were those odds? A billion to one?

Mich had changed his appearance a little. His prep skool jacket was gone and he had rolled up the sleeves of his blue button down shirt up to his shoulders. A white tie with a bright blue smiley face hung around his neck, giving him the impression that he was someone with a few quirks. Mich stared blandly back at the faces of his new classmates, a thin eyebrow slightly raised. He looked towards Miss bitters questioningly and earned himself a scowl from the old bag.

He flinched and slowly inched himself back towards the door. But then Miss Bitters' commanding voice had him rooted to the spot.

"And just where do you think you're going young man?" she seethed, taking hold of Mich's arm and pulling him to the center of the front of the class. She shot once last death glare down at him and began. "Children, thanks to the skool's celebration of over crowding _again_, a new student has been placed in our class. And IF he values his well being he will be considerate of his new placement and _stay where he is_. Oh, and his name is Miche—"

"YES," Mich said loudly, cutting off Miss Bitters. "Mich! My name is Mich! Hey everybody…"

"Hello Mich," the entire class droned.

"Uh-huh, hi!" he gave Dib a little wave of the hand before continuing. "The name's Mich and my family and I just moved into this city. _And_ I'm just going to _hate_ having to go to school with all you DISGUSTING little taste-less worms!"

The class became deathly silent at Mitch's sudden change from happy-go-lucky to sinister and evil looking. A creepy grin formed on his lips as he looked at each and every face in the room. But once they met Zim's face his gaze was locked. Mich's eyes widened at the sight of Zim's nose-less, ear-less, and bright green face. They widened even further when Zim jumped onto his desk and started yelling.

"You!" Zim pointed a gloved finger at Mich, his face contorting into rage. "How DARE you insult the mighty Zim? HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A TASTELESS WORM YOU STUPID NEW STINK FLESH-SACK? You shall pay for insulting ZIM!"

Dib clenched his teeth when Zim jumped onto the desk. His heart nearly pounded itself out of his chest in worry that the bomb inside would explode in the wrong sequence. He began to wave his arm a little, grumbling as quietly as he could for Zim to sit back down. Mich stared at Zim, his eyebrow rising in question.

"Dude," he said. "I was only kidding. No need to take it so seriously." Then under his breath he added, "Green faced loser…"

"Loser?" Zim repeated, his voice cracking a little. "LOSER? _Me_? _Zim_? _You_…you wretched little meat-sack! You shall PAY for your insolence and mocking nature!"

Zim stomped hard on the desk and a loud high-pitched screech filled the room.

"ZIM!" Dib bellowed. "YOU MORON!"

**BOOM! KA-BOOM!!!!!!**

A blinding white flash filled the room and the carbonated water bomb exploded, its force causing the gum bomb to go off as well. The room was filled to the ceiling with a mixture of stinging bubbly liquid and enormous wads of gum. The windows shattered from the pressure of the flood and allowed it to spill out onto the yard outside. The door was pushed out, the flood spilling out into the hallways and other class rooms. The torrent ran through the entire skool, sweeping away several students and teachers away. Its level soon lowered to an ankle high level when it finally ran far outside the skool grounds.

All the students were lying in several painful positions across the room. Several of them groaned, coughed, and gagged because of the large amount of bubbly gum paste they had swallowed. Dib groaned in pain as he lay outside in the yard. Getting up slowly, he coughed up the runny pink paste and took several deep breaths. He rubbed his head, a sense of failure weighing heavily on his shoulders. Dib carefully avoided the broken glass as he climbed back inside through the window frame. When he landed in the massive puddle he hissed in pain. The carbonated water seeped into his boots and caused a painful stinging sensation in on his feet. The water continued to bubble and give off a thin but very visible cloud of vapor. Maybe ultra carbonating the water was a bad idea, he thought.

Dib looked up and his eyes widened at his runny-gum paste covered classmates and teacher. This is bad, he thought frantically. This is so very unbelievably bad! I am so dead! Dib bit his nails in fear as he continued to look at the destruction. He looked towards Zim's desk and found it completely obliterated, and not a trace of the alien's body to be found.

"What the…?" Dib murmured quietly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! THE WATER! THE WATER! IT'S BURNING THROUGH MY SKULL!"

Dib's head snapped upwards and his eyes seemed to shoot out of their sockets at the enormous wad of gum hanging above Zim's desk. Zim was stuck to the ceiling, jutting out in an awkward angle from the blob of gum. He thrashed around wildly, his entire body beginning to sizzle and smoke. Several short high-pitched screeches flew from his mouth as he tore at the gum, only to get himself pulled in even further.

"IT BURNS!" Zim screamed at the top of his lungs, or whatever it was he used to breathe.

"IT BUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!"

Zim continued to scream and thrash, his black wig getting caught in the sticky mess and easily pulled off revealing a pair of antennae on top of a wide green head. Dib scrambled to pull his camera out of his back pocket and run underneath Zim. He raised his camera to his eye just as Zim was tearing out one of his contacts that began beginning to bubble in his eye. Once it was removed a pupil-less red eye bulged in pain. When he saw Dib aiming the camera in his direction his thrashing stopped.

"_You_…." Zim seethed his voice full of venom. "_This is all YOUR fault_!"

Dib let out a soft 'heh' and turned to the class, "EVERYONE! Come and see Zim for what he really is! Come see the proof that I've been right all along!"

Zim's eyes went wide and struggled to free himself from the thing that had him glued to the ceiling. Several flashes from the camera blinded his vision and he let out a roar of frustration. Zim glared daggers into Dib's head, wishing that the human would just EXPLODE.

Dib began to laugh triumphantly as he took several pictures of Zim. His laughing was cut short as he was quickly snatched up by the back of his collar and lifted up several inches off the floor. Miss Bitters pulled him up higher so that they were seeing eye to eye. She bore her teeth and growled menacingly, her eyes narrowing in hatred at Dib. Dib dropped the camera and felt his body grow stiff as he looked into his teacher's gum covered face.

"Dib," Miss Bitters growled. "Detention for five months! And you will clean up this mess that you've made of the entire skool!"

"But I—"

"No butts you little worthless maggot!"

She let go of his collar and let him fall roughly onto the floor. She towered over him for a minute before snaking her way out the door, muttering something about getting the smallest sponge she could find from the janitor for Dib. Dib lay in the water and stared at the ceiling.

"Why?" he said with frustration and slammed his fists at his sides. "Every time! Why does something have to go wrong _every_ time?"

The voices of his classmates were very distant to him as they made several rude remarks about him. Several of them muttered names, complaints of his freaky nerd-ness, and the usual 'thanks a LOT dib for trying to blow up the skool AGAIN'.

Dib groaned in defeat, not noticing Zim had finally freed himself from the gum and was jumping up to snatch back his wig. Once it was back on his head and easily hid his antenna, he quickly slapped his contact onto his eye. He let out a scream of pain at the impact and it became louder when his booted feet began to sizzle in the water he stood in. Zim jumped back up and grabbed a thick string of gum that dangled out of the wad. He glared down at Dib with malice.

"Your attempt has failed yet again _Dib_!" Zim sneered. "So close and yet so very far eh Dib-worm?"

"Shut up Zim," Dib muttered. He lazily pulled himself up into a sitting position and finally noticed that Mich was plastered to the chalkboard, his face covered in gum and his hair standing on end. Mich opened his gum covered eyes and looked down at him.

"Is THIS how you greet new students?" Mich screeched.

"No," Dib shook his head. "Usually it's a lot more subtle than this."

"I hate it here already."

"Jeez, and it took you this long to feel that?"

Mich narrowed his eyes and forcefully nodded his head forward, a soft crumbling sound being created as he did so. He wrenched his arms and legs out of the chalk board and pushed himself forward only to fall face-flat into the water. A human shaped imprint was left revealed on the board as soon as he fell. Mich groaned as he lifted his head, but then he suddenly smacked his lips as the liquid rushed into his mouth. His eyes brightened with a strange kind of surprised joy and he scooped up more into his mouth, drinking heavily. Dib gawked at him with his mouth slightly open and so did Zim. Mich felt their stares and looked up sheepishly.

"What? I'm hungry. And at this point I'd try _anything_." He said as he scooped up more liquid into his mouth.

"Uuuuuuuuuukaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy…" Dib and Zim said slowly. They shot glares at each other, both being equally hateful. Dib jumped to his feet and stood below Zim, tugging hard on the alien's legs.

"Come down here!" Dib yelled. "I'm gonna rip your body limb from limb you stupid alien scum-bag!"

"I'd like to see you try!" Zim yelled back and violently kicked Dib's hands away.

"You are such a MORON Zim! It's YOUR fault that the bombs went off!"

"O yeah? Well who put them there in the first place? Huh? Huh? YOU! You put them there!"

"Yeah, but if it wasn't for _you_," Dib jumped and yanked hard on Zim's leg, causing to fall into the water and begin to sizzle again. Above Zim's short screams Dib yelled at the top of his voice. "And _you_ stomping on your desk, they wouldn't have gone off!"

Zim stood up despite the pain in his entire being and gave Dib a hard shove, "So this is MY fault? How stupid can you be Dib-brainless? You are so unbelievably STUPID!"

"Shut up space boy!"

"Stink-beast!"

"Alien dirt bag!"

"Fat head!"

"Green face!"

As they continued to bicker the other students lay painfully still across the room and was oblivious to it all. Mich sat with a pleased look at their arguing. After a few seconds he looked at the others to see if they were watching him, then at the two boys yelling at each other. When he felt that it was safe and no one was watching, he pulled out two small vials from his pocket and filled each of them to the brim with the runny gum water. He pulled the gum off his face and used it as corks for the vials. Once the task was done he slipped the vials back into his pocket. A happy-go-lucky smile spread onto Mich's face as he looked back at the fight.

"Hey! Throw something at him!" he suggested cheerfully.

Abruptly, Zim stopped yelling. He looked at Mich then at Dib. He picked up a sticky wad off the floor and threw it full force at Dib's face. It hit with a sick plop and Dib pulled at it angrily only to get his hands caught in the stickiness. Zim threw his head back and laughed loudly, holding onto his stomach and pointing a finger at Dib. Dib's growl was muffled slightly by the gum and he kicked the water, sending it into Zim's face. Zim screamed when the water touched his face and eyes. He fell backwards and flailed his arms in agony as his skin began to burn and give off vapor.

Mich's eyes grew wide and he let out a laugh as he watched the scene. Dib wandered about and fell over a desk. He pulled and pulled at the gum but only made it worse for himself as his fists were glued to his face. Zim continued yelling and giving off smoke, looking something like a mutated burning turtle that was thrown onto its back.

"Yeah," Mich said with a content sigh. He lifted his hand and began pulling out the gum from his hair. "Yep…I'm so gonna hate it here with you mindless earth beings. But I must admit your stupidity is very entertaining to watch…"

Dib and Zim froze for a second, turning in Mich's direction. "What?" they said at the same time.

"Uh….I LIKE BUBBLE GUM WATER!" he yelled with a crazed expression, throwing himself back onto the floor and sucking up as much as he could leaving Zim and Dib with so many questions.


	3. Chapter 3: VILE Vileness of Terror!

**Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!**

By Lucille Bluejay

Rating: PG

Warnings: None, unless the minor violence counts.

Disclaimer: I, Lucille Bluejay, do not own the characters from the Nickelodeon cartoon Invader Zim. I do not own Zim, Dib, Gaz, G.I.R., Professor Membrane, or Miss Bitters. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AND THE CREDIT FOR THE CHARACTERS CAN GO TO Mr. Jhonen Vasquez. Well, actually I do own ONE character, but who cares?

Summary: As Zim and Dib continue with their usual crazy and dangerous antics, a new kid is caught up in the quarrel. But soon suspicions arise, bombs explode, a certain Irken is tossed about like a rag doll, a certain young paranormal investigator becomes a test subject for unimaginable tests of PAIN, and a certain mindless robot is kidnapped! Yeah, whoop-di-friggin'-doo. INSANITY INSUES! PARTNERSHIPS DESTROYED! CONDIMENTS BOILED! AWESOME RAD TECHNO MUSIC SCREAMS! AND ZIM'S MISSION IS PUT AT RISK! DIB IS INTRODUCED TO FOODCORTIAN COOKWARE! AND G.I.R. IS ADMIRED BY A VERY CREEPY CHILD! If this doesn't interest you then just turn back. NOW.

**Chapter 3: VILE Vileness of Terror!**

Monday, November 1, 2010 was supposed the best the best day of once certain young paranormal investigator's life. That day was supposed to be the day when he would finally exposed a certain devious alien, when he would finally be believed after so long, and when he would finally get the respect he so rightly deserved. But no—no, no, _no_, _noooooo_! The exact opposite happened instead! Dib _didn't_ get to expose that _stupid_ alien, _nobody_ believed him _again_, _and_ the treatment he received after the carbonated water and gum bomb incident earlier was _far_ from respectful.

Skool was cut that day and all the students were wither sent home or to the hospital. Many of them had consumed a lot of gum water paste and nearly had their wind pipes clogged; everyone else had their skin blistered raw from the fizzle from the water. All of them were sent home, well—except for Dib of course since he was put into detention to clean up the skool. But as for the children who didn't seriously get injured, many of them stood in from of Dib's homeroom's shattered windows and watched him struggle to clean up the mess. They all laughed at Dib as he got himself tangled in the thick ropes of sticky gum, slip and fall in the bubbly water that still filled the room, and tiredly scrape the enormous gum blob off the ceiling with a huge snow shovel that Miss Bitters had given him. But the worst part was that their taunts kept coming at him full force.

"Looooozer!"

"Dork!"

"Dib! I see a ghost alien trying to grab you! Oh wait—never mind, its just more gum! HA!"

"LOOOOOOZER!

Dib growled loudly, his grip on the shovel weakening. It fell on top of the battered desks in front of him, sending large chunks of wood and metal flying across the floor. Dodging a particularly sharp and sliver of wood, Dib marched to the windows and yelled, "Shouldn't you people be going home or something? Just go away and leave me to my miserable detention, sheesh!"

They all just laughed hard in his face, causing him to twitch like he had felt something in his brain pop. Dib threw his hands up in defeat and sighed frustratedly, stomping away from the window and picking up the shovel's handle. As he struggled and strained to lift the heavy thing up to the ceiling again he could hear the children's laughter fading away as they left. "Finally," Dib muttered angrily.

"Ohhhhh Diiiiiiib-stiiiiiiink!" called out a loud and annoying voice. Dib's head turned and a pink blob hit him square in the face. The shovel fell with a booming thud and a ragged toned laughter filled the air.

"You missed a spot!" Zim said once he threw the blob, and threw his head back and laughed even louder.

Dib wrenched the blob off his face and threw it back to Zim, who's laughing stopped short as he ducked. He shot upright again and said in a mocking voice, "HA! Ya missed you gum-cleaning Earth filth!"

"SHUT UP!" Dib picked up another blob off the floor and chucked it Zim, only to miss again.

"Aww, wutz wrong _Dib_? Mad 'cause I so easily foiled your attempts to expose me _again_?"

"I said shut up!" Dib screamed. His hands balled into tight and shaky fists at his sides. "You're such and IDIOT Zim! That wasn't what happened!"

"Oh, that's _right_," Zim folded his arms over his chest and tapped his chin in an imitation of deep thought. A mocking, toothy smile spread over his green face. "_You_ foiled _yourself_! You completely and utterly ruined your own attempt! Hahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!! You're pathetic Dib-worm!"

"Back off alien! Or else I'll—"

"Or you'll what Dib?" hissed a cold voice from behind. Dib spun and found Miss Bitters towering over him. The burning anger he felt completely disappeared, leaving him gawking wide-eyed at his teacher's dark expression.

"Yeah," Zim said loudly. "Or you'll do _what_, Dib?"

Miss bitter shot towards the window, leaning out so far towards Zim that he nearly bent backwards. She narrowed her eyes and hissed, "Go home Zim. Or else you'll be joining your classmate dib in his detention!"

"Heh?" Zim said pathetically. But with another long death glare from the ancient wrinkled teacher he was sent zooming across the yard and over the bent up fence. He landed softly on the other side and looked past Miss Bitters towards Dib. He held up both his arms and waved furiously. "Have FUN _Dib_! Enjoy your slippery, sticky, and torturous cleaning detention! HA!"

Zim ran off with a smile on his face, one that made Dib's eyes narrow in rage. He turned and picked up the shovel again, using all his strength to haul it up to the ceiling and scrape off the wad.

"And when you're done with that _Dib_," Miss Bitters said. She slithered over and towered over the insane child once more. Pulling out a tiny sponge from her sleeve she said, "You will use this to clean up all this water! You will not leave school grounds until this place is spotless!"

Dib finally managed to get the gum off the ceiling and onto the shovel's broad metal end. When he turned to miss bitters and took the sponge into his hand, the sudden imbalance caused the heavier end diving into the floor, sending Dib sailing into the ceiling.

"Aaahh!" Dib's head hit the ceiling hard, and he fell just as hard onto the floor. The water splashed high and hit miss bitters in the face. She growled menacingly, baring her teeth at him before snaking out the room. Dib got up groggily, rubbing his head with a small groan. He looked around the demolished room then at his hand with the tiny sponge. A pained yell escaped his throat.

"I hate my life!" Dib yelled to the ceiling. "But I hate that alien jerk-face even more! I can't stand him! I wish he would just throw himself into a pit of rabid photographers and rip off his disguise! Rrrrraaaaggghhh! Why does my life STINK so hard?"

"Dib!" Miss Bitters' voice screamed from down the hall. "Stop your insane screaming and get back to work!"

"Why should I?" Dib shot back. He clamped his hands over his mouth but it was already too late. His teacher seemed to materialize in front of him. She leaned forward so much that Dib's spine nearly went into a 90 degree angle. His teacher hissed a forked tongue lashing out of her mouth wrathfully.

"What did you just say boy?" Miss Bitters said in a dangerously venomous voice. Dib withered and began to stutter.

"I—uh—um—I….can I…use a different sponge? Or can I at least get a mop?"

"No."

On the other side of town, Zim was happily marching down the sidewalk and whistling a light tune. He spotted a squirrel a few feet in front of him and ran towards it with an evil grin. Zim jumped into the air and stomped heavily onto the squirrel's tail. It let out a raspy squeal, yanking out its tail from underneath Zim's boots and scrambling over a nearby picket fence. Zim let out a low chuckle and marched on. He was in the cul-de-sac and almost to his base's fence when a loud deformed squeal shot into the air.

Zim spun around and saw a hideous mass of fur flying towards him. It hit his face and began to madly claw at his eyes, causing him to fall onto the ground.

"Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!" Zim rolled around on the ground, trying to wrench the mad squirrel off his face as he screamed loudly. It clawed at him, creating long gashes and tearing off chunks of skin. Zim used all his strength to pull it off. He struggled against the beast's frantic and angry squirming to keep it at arms length. He hopped back onto his feet and chucked the thing as hard as he could. Zim turned and ran, bursting through the base's front yard and through the blue front door with the men's bathroom sign on it. He slammed the door behind him, leaning against it heavily as he gasped for air. He darted to the window and peeked outside.

The squirrel-beast was glaring furiously at him with foam trickling down from its mouth. Another squirrel with a crooked and ruffled tail came towards it and shook its paw. Zim's brow rose in question, but then they widened in fear as the two beasts shot glares in his direction. Zim let out a wheezy gasp, watching them shake their balled paws in anger before taking off.

"Stinking putrid fur-beasts!" he spat. He pulled off his ruffled wig still sticky with patches of gum and slightly dented contacts, throwing them onto the couch as he stomped into the kitchen. A sickening, squeegily-spooch wrenching smell caused Zim to freeze. He doubled over and clutched at the empty space right above his mouth. Zim fell onto the floor as he let out a whole mess of gags and gasps.

"St-ste-stench!" he wheezed, his striped tongue lolling out of his mouth as his body began to spasm. "Ssssteeeench! So—overwhelmingly—STANKY!"

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" screamed a high-pitched electronic voice. A blur of silver and light blue zoomed out of the open food cooling container and tackled Zim. The two were sent bouncing very hard across the tiled floor. Zim let out a gag and grunt of pain once they stopped moving and G.I.R. was bouncing happily on his chest.

"Master! Hi! Hi! Hi!" G.I.R. squealed, bouncing in rhythm with his greetings. "Youz early masta! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?"

"Geroffa me!" Zim grasped GIR's antenna and threw him back into the cooling container. The container swayed backwards when G.I.R. landed inside, when it tilted back into place its door slammed shut and muffled the little robot's ear splitting scream. Zim growled loudly as he hopped back onto his feet. He dusted himself while looking around the kitchen for the source of that DISGUSTING smell. There was nothing on the stove, nothing in the sink, but when his wide red eyes fell onto the table he let out a horrified gasp.

The table was piled high with a mess of filthy plates and mounds of old discolored food. Strange masses of multicolored fuzz were attached to the mess. Zim clamped his hands over his mouth and suppressed the vomit that was about to shoot from his mouth. He backed away from the filth-covered table until his Pak touched the wall behind him. He slid down slowly onto the floor, gathering his knees underneath his chin and shuddering with sickness.

The cooling container violently rocked back and forth, its door popping open and causing G.I.R. to tumble out onto the floor. G.I.R. landed on his head with his legs jutting out at a painful position. He lifted himself off the floor and stood on his tiny metallic hands, running quickly across the tiles and did several flips, ending it with a mid-air spin and landing lightly on his feet. G.I.R. held up his hands with a stupid grin on his face. His big binocular eyes landed on his master who was huddled against the wall with his face going from green to sickly yellow.

G.I.R. trotted up to Zim and peered closely at his hunched up form. Zim's face went to its normal color when he grabbed G.I.R. by the shoulders and held him close to his face.

"_G.I.R._! _What_ is that MESS on the table?" Zim's voice boomed, his breath causing the robot's antenna to sway slightly. Zim thrust his finger towards the table and narrowed his eyes so much that they were no more than two red slits on his green face. "_Where did all that come from G.I.R._?"

"Eeehhhhhh….." the robot looked to the ceiling then at his master's furious face. "It came from the fridge! I wuz cleanin' it!"

"The fridge? The cooling container for our edibles?" Zim carelessly tossed his minion aside and ran to the fridge. He opened its door and a wave of light green vapor flew into his face. He let out a wheezy gasp and slammed the door shut, leaning against it as if he was trying to prevent some kind of monster from bursting out. Zim gasped for breath, looking around for something that could eliminate that FOUL odor.

"Computer!" Zim yelled at the ceiling. "Bring me my disinfecting spray, my germ-spotting goggles, and my house cleansing uniform!"

"Oh, you only decided to clean _now_?" a cool male voice answered. "That fridge has been fermenting all that fungus for over two weeks. And you only noticed the stench _now_?"

"Just shut up and bring me my stuff!" Zim screamed, his lekku perking up with rage.

With a heavy sigh, several panels opened up in the kitchen walls revealing many robotic arms bearing zip's 'stuff'. Zim held out his arms as thick yellow gloves, a showering cap, two tissue boxes, a pair of dark green overalls, a can of disinfectant, and his goggles were piled onto him. The arms retracted and disappeared silently behind the panels. Zim hastily pulled the germ-spotting goggles over his eyes, opening his mouth in a long scream of terror at what he saw.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

The kitchen was crawling with so many bright green, wiggly, horrifying germs! They were everywhere! On the floors, ceiling, G.I.R., the sink…..but they were clustered heaviest on the table and practically seeping out of the fridge. Zim's gaze moved this way and that, becoming more and more terrified by the second. He ran out the kitchen's entry, screaming so loud that the entire house seemed to shake.

"Daww," said G.I.R. as he lay sprawled on the floor. "I think someone needs a hug!"

G.I.R. ran into the living after his master. A split second later, the little guy was hurled violently back inside to crash onto the table. Several plates shattered and mounds of food were thrown everywhere. He let out a high-pitched shriek of joy as he rolled around in the filth with a big smile on his face.

Zim breathed heavily as he pulled the dark green overall over his Irken uniform. He put on a showering cap that neatly hid his lekku and slipped his booted feet into tissue boxes. Once he felt protected in his cleansing outfit, he charged full force into the kitchen with a can of disinfectant clutched in his hands. Zim let out a shrill battle cry as he sprayed the table and G.I.R. with several shots of disinfectant. He did a back flip and ran towards the fridge. Taking a very deep breath and holding it, he threw open the door and sprayed its interior.

A smile of victory came to his face as he watched the evil germs sizzle and disappear. HA! Take that germs! Zim yelled in his mind. And take somma this! And that! And that! And this!

"HUGS!"

Zim turned and let out a gasp as G.I.R. flew towards him and latched onto his chest. He screamed and thrashed madly, trying to getting his slobbering germy robot off him. Zim pushed hard against the tiny body, smacking it in the head with his can of disinfectant. It took several good smacks and a lot of strength until the infernal thing was sent flying back into the table.

With a loud crash, the table collapsed underneath G.I.R.'s weight, sending mounds of furry globs sailing through the air. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Zim watched the globs soar towards him. His eyes widened so much that they almost reached outside his goggles. He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came as soon as the globs enveloped his body and entered his mouth.

Things went silent after that, or at least until G.I.R. hopped back onto his feet and began to run wildly around the room. He zoomed up along the wall, onto the ceiling, then stopped suddenly when he spotted an immense glob sitting in front of the fridge. G.I.R. eyed it like a child staring through a candy shop window. He cocked his head to the side, trying to look at the blob at an angle other than upside down. While G.I.R.'s feet were somehow still attached to the ceiling, he walked over until he was directly above the blob. He looked down at it with large eyes, "Ooooooh! Itza big furry blob-guy! Hi furry blob-guy!"

When he waved gravity finally took its toll and sent G.I.R. plummeting headfirst into the 'furry blob-guy'. The blob shuddered as soon as G.I.R. landed and disappeared in its yuckiness. A few seconds past and soon it began to shudder, and then it shook furiously as though it were a volcano ready to blow.

With a loud rumbling roar, Zim burst through the furry mass of filth and began to tear it apart. He screamed and screamed and screamed….all the while throwing bits and pieces of the blob in all directions. Once he took hold of G.I.R. and threw him in the sink, Zim jumped out and ran in little circles in the middle of the kitchen. He slapped at himself—or rather—at the germs that were beginning to take over his entire being. Zim sprayed his body with the disinfectant until it stung his skin and completely soaked his clothes. Moments later he stopped dead in his tracks and looked himself over. Nope, not one vile virus or bad bacteria to be found on his persona. But the same couldn't be said for the kitchen.

Zim ran and stood in the entry way, he looked towards the ceiling again and screamed, "Computer! Evasive cleaning elimination NOWWWWWW!!!!"

"All right, all right!" the cool male voice snapped back. The panels hidden in the walls opened up again and arms bearing lasers at their ends appeared. Several thin blue rays were fired at the refrigerator and the demolished table. Germs, plate shards, moldy masses of food, and splintered bits of food were blown to oblivion. G.I.R. stayed at his seat in the sink and watched with bright eyes as lines of shiny blue light crissed crossed the room.

"Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Aah!" G.I.R. cried in awe.

Zim shot daggers into the robot's empty head before looking back at the war-like scene in front of him. Through the goggles he watched germs, big, small, furry, and wiggly alike get blown apart. But it wasn't good enough, oh no it wasn't!

"Full power!" Zim yelled, shaking his fist at the ceiling. "Blast at maximum power! Cleanse! Cleanse like you've never cleansed before! Blast in every direction until every last one of those disgusting vermin is gone!"

"Are you sure you want to do that?" the voice asked loudly over the zapping of the lasers. "I don't think it's a good idea sir!"

"You weren't built to think computer!" Zim yelled back. "Now BLAST!"

"Okay…." the voice answered unsurely. The light lasers dimmed down and then intensified, becoming thicker in diameter. Shots were fired in every direction and angle, blasting large holes through floors and walls. Zim's eyes bulged in surprise as a laser was shot through the top of his showering cap, leaving a large line of scorched plastic and blackened green skin. He threw up his hands and shrieked, turning tail and running out of the house. G.I.R. echoed his masters scream and followed suit, a mess of lasers following closely behind. They burst through the front door, slamming it shut behind them, the ray of light that shot right through nearly blowing off their heads. They both screamed and dove down onto the lawn, hunched over and covering their heads with their arms.

Loud zapping noises, booms, and blasts filled the air. Shots went through the roof, walls, and windows. Not one place was spared from the cleaning lasers' wrath. Several minutes went by, once everything quieted down Zim picked himself up and slowly turned around to look at his base. Both of his eyes were squinted shut and you could practically hear the muscle strain as Zim dared to open one of his eyes. His mouth dropped open and his eyes snapped open wide. Zim leaned forward slightly with his shoulders slumped and arms dangling.

The base was _mutilated_. There were massive holes on its exterior, making look like it was made out of Swiss cheese. All the windows were shattered and the door was obliterated off its hinges. Zim took a shaky step forward, a low pained noise coming out of his mouth with every few inches.

"So…much….destruction!" he said in a strained voice, which soon cracked. "M-my…..base! My beautiful….beautiful…base! Blown up, shattered, Swiss-cheesedified! Nooooooooooooo!"

"I dunno," said G.I.R., who was sitting up and tilting his head slightly. "I think it looks gewd!"

"Gewd? _Gewd_?" Zim turned on his robot minion, picking him up and shaking him furiously. "There is nothing _gewd_ about it GIR! Our base has been destroyed! That is NOT gewd!"

"Weeeeeeeeeeelllllllllll," a dim witted smile burst onto G.I.R.'s face. "At least deh wigglies iz gone!"

Zim stayed silent and looked blankly into G.I.R.'s face. He dropped him none-too-gracefully and quickly ran back into the house. His dark red eyes squinted through the goggles. Despite the torn up ceiling, the blackened walls and floor, and the many disconnected cables that hung from the ceiling—there wasn't a bright green germ to be found. A small content smile appeared on Zim's lips, but then it soon turned into a scowl as he pulled off his goggles and threw them to the floor.

"But this place is still _filthy_ G.I.R.!" Zim yelled. He raised his fists and screamed at the sky. "G.I.R.! GET IN HERE NOW!"

"Yes my lord!" G.I.R. ran towards his master with glowing red eyes. He stood beside Zim, saluting him and waiting for further orders.

"Go help me clean up this mess! NOW!"

"Yes sir!"

"Computer! Bring down cleaning equipment!"

"I told you it was a bad idea," the voice said flatly. "But you never listen to anything."

"I said…BRING DOWN THE CLEANING EQUIPMENT!"

"All right, all right, all right! Fine!"

Robotic arms lowered from the ceiling bearing brooms, mops, buckets, and nearly everything else needed to scourge dirt and grime. Zim violently snatched a broom and began to angrily sweep out debris. G.I.R.'s eyes flashed back to blue as he jumped into a particularly large mound of broken ceiling that sat in the corner of the living room. The mound was easily lifted up by G.I.R.'s tiny arms and thrown into a massive hole where the couch used to be. Zim shot a glare in his direction.

"GIR! Not in there! You're just going to make a—aw forget it!" the Irken sighed heavily, whacking a large piece of broken tile out the doorframe with the broom. As he went on sweeping he began grumbling to himself. "Stewped germs. Stewped lasers. Stewped stewped stewped! I hate stewped germs! I hate those stewped lasers! And I hate this stewped day! Wanna know _why_ G.I.R.?"

G.I.R.'s head perked up, a moldy chicken bone in his mouth and several shards of glass sticking out of the empty compartment in his head. He looked at his master curiously as he swallowed the bone. Zim began to hit the floor with the broom, grunting loudly with each blow. He hurled the broom to the wall and he threw back his head, giving out another furious yell.

Zim counted off the horrible events that had happen on that day, "First you nearly expose us by flying out of control as we went over the skool. Next I'm insulted by that new pig-smellie child at skool. THEN I'm nearly blown to bits and burned by that dib-MORON's b—"

He stopped short when he counted off the last event on his third finger. His eyes widened and then narrowed into slits.

"Dib," Zim hissed with so much hate in his voice. "The Dib….this is all his fault!"

G.I.R. continued looking at Zim blankly as he gathered up arm-fulls of debris and swallowing them whole. He let out a belch before saying cheerfully, "His head is huuuuuge!"

"Yes it is G.I.R.!" Zim agreed angrily. "His head is so unbelievably FAT and STEWPED! But I must admit that the Dib-filth is rather smart." He folded his arms tightly behind his back and paced the floor. "He must've put those bombs in my desk and blew them up so that we could be sent home early on purpose! Then he blamed me for the explosions that way he could distract me from realizing his true plan….he was planning on making me destroy my own base! The stewped Earth child must've somehow planted those horrible germs in the cooling container a few weeks ago. Then he waited for the germs to spread and multiply, and then he exploded those bombs in my face today so that we could all go home early! It all makes sense!"

"Whuuuuut?" G.I.R. said in a squeaky voice. He scratched his head in confusion.

Zim slammed his fist into his open palm in sudden realization. He furrowed his brows and glared at G.I.R.

"That meat sack was waiting for me to do this! He expected me to come home and find the masses of vile germs. He knew that I would use my cleansing lasers on maximum power to kill the germs without realizing what would happen! UGH, that wretched little stink-maggot! He will pay for this! He will PAY! G.I.R.!"

"Yeeeeezzzz?" G.I.R. hopped off the pile and stood by his master. A stupid smile planted on his face.

"Pile as much of this filth onto the Voot Cruiser! We're going to give _Dib_ a little surprise present…"

An evil smile broke out on the Irken's face as he began to cackle evilly. G.I.R.shrugged his shoulders and joined in with his laughter. They both laughed wildly, the computer's heavy sigh barely audible over their noise.


	4. Chapter 4: Intruder Alert!

**Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!**

By Lucille Bluejay

Rating: PG

Warnings: None, unless the minor violence counts.

Disclaimer: I, Lucille Bluejay, do not own the characters from the Nikelodeon cartoon Invader Zim. I do not own Zim, Dib, Gaz, G.I.R., Professor Membrane, or Miss Bitters. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AND THE CREDIT FOR THE CHARACTERS CAN GO TO Mr. Jhonen Vasquez. Well, actually I do own ONE character, but who cares?

Summary: As Zim and Dib continue with their usual crazy and dangerous antics, a new kid is caught up in the quarrel. But soon suspicions arise, bombs explode, a certain Irken is tossed about like a rag doll, a certain young paranormal investigator becomes a test subject for unimaginable tests of PAIN, and a certain mindless robot is kidnapped! Yeah, whoop-di-friggin'-doo. INSANITY INSUES! PARTNERSHIPS DESTROYED! CONDIMENTS BOILED! AWESOME RAD TECHNO MUSIC SCREAMS! AND ZIM'S MISSION IS PUT AT RISK! DIB IS INTRODUCED TO FOODCORTIAN COOKWARE! AND G.I.R. IS ADMIRED BY A VERY CREEPY CHILD! If this doesn't interest you then just turn back. NOW.

**Chapter 4: Intruder Alert!**

Dib stood outside the principal's office with his back leaning heavily against the wall. He listened lazily to the muffled sounds of his father and the skool board talking with each other as he picked off the gum from his trench coat. Dib sighed and crossed his arms loosely around his chest. They throbbed painfully at the movement and he quickly lowered them back to his sides.

"Ow…." He groaned. He was so going to feel that in the morning. Dib had spent nearly half of the day wrestling with globs and massive ropes of gum that were lying all around the skool. Once that was done he had gotten to work of wiping up all the carbonated water with a sponge that was no bigger than his thumb. It was such unbearably tiring work that nearly made his arms pop off his shoulders, but thankfully his father came by and rescued him from several more hours of wiping up water milliliter by milliliter with the tiny sponge. In a matter of seconds his father's ultra suction vacuum top was sent spinning through every surface of the skool and sucked up every last drop of water. Unfortunately, the rest of the afternoon talking with the skool's principal.

It was getting dark outside and Dib had already been scolded a few minutes ago and sent outside to wait while his father and the skool board discussed payment for the damages. As he stood leaning against the wall his whole body throbbed again. Everything hurt so badly. His head hurt, his arms, his shoulders, his legs, but what hurt most of all was his pride. Yeah, like I have any pride left, Dib thought bitterly. Bested once again by an unbelievably moronic alien. Yes, that really would put a dent in your pride.

"I hate that jerk," Dib muttered. He let out a slow breath and massaged his temples. He closed his eyes slowly, trying to relax. Very soft footsteps woke him up from his trance. Dib's eyes shot open and he looked down the hall to get a tiny glimpse of someone quickly heading back down the opposite direction then turning the corner.

"Darn it!" he heard a hushed voice say. "Stupid thing saw me!"

Dib quickly pushed himself off the wall, heading towards the principal's door and opening it a crack, "Um—Dad? Is it okay if I wait outside?"

The room was very dark inside with several shadowed figures gathered behind a long table. They all turned and glared in his direction. A floating screen in a high-tech looking frame that was hovering in front of the table turned to look at Dib. In the screen, Professor Membrane narrowed his goggled eyes slightly.

"Son, I'm in the middle of speaking to your skool superiors," the professor said sternly. "But if you really want to, go ahead. I'll be with you in a few minutes, just don't go running off after any goblins or something because we've got a lot to discuss young man!"

"Okay Dad," Dib answered quickly, shutting the door and running down the hall. Dib listened intently for any footsteps as he ran through the skool. He went everywhere, all the classrooms, the library, the nurse's office, the bathrooms, but still no sign of anybody suspicious. A few minutes later, Dib was standing in front of the cafeteria's doorway. The doors themselves were barely hanging off their hinges due to the force of the tidal wave inside the skool earlier. Dib took a deep breath and walked inside.

It was very dark, nearly all the lights were shattered on the ceiling and the ones that were intact kept flickering on and off. Dib scanned the room, going up to all the over turned tables and looking around them. When he found nothing he moved on to the counter where the trays of food were lined up during lunch. He held onto the counter's edge, using it to pull himself up and landing on other side. Dib squinted his eyes and tried to adjust them to the darkness, but all he was able to make out was an empty kitchen.

Dib quietly tip-toed across the slick tiled floors, looking around to see if there was something hiding between the pots and pans crowding the counters. He shifted through them carefully and found nothing. He looked in the sinks and all the cupboards—but still nothing. Dib was about to turn and leave when a loud banging sound made him jump nearly three feet in the air. He spun around, his eyes locking onto a door at the way back of the kitchen that was slightly ajar. He gulped loudly, narrowing his eyes and slowly approaching the door.

Dib stood in front of the door, gently taking hold of the knob and opening it all the way. Even in the dark he was able to tell it was some kind of pantry…a rather large pantry. Dib left the door wide open when he entered, gazing open mouthed at how tall the shelves were. The shelves were lined with many cans labeled with dates that had long since past. He walked past them shuddering at the thought that all those canned goods were probably way older than his own dad.

There were only two separate aisles, and he decided to go through the one on the left. He turned his head upwards to see how high the ceiling was but only saw pitch black. Dib stopped walking, scratching his head in confusion. He looked in all directions, finding nothing but dusty food cans. The approached the shelves on his right and pushed some of the cans aside to look into the other aisle. Nope, nothing but more cans….until a shadow passed in front of the gap.

Dib let out a small gasp, quietly pushing all the cans of food aside until he almost cleared the whole shelf. He looked through the space for any sign of whatever had moved, and was soon answered by a bright light that filled the room.

"Analyzing data," said a cool female voice.

The light dimmed considerably but Dib was still able to make out a dark figure crouching on the floor a little away from him. Dib narrowed his eyes, pulling out the camera from his back pocket. He looked down at it and frowned, it was dented in several places and the lens was shattered from when had dropped it earlier that day. He shoved the camera back into his pocket and continued watching the figure intently.

From what Dib could see it was probably someone around his height, clutching an open can of shriveled beans and holding some kind of high-tech wrist watch over its contents.

"Analyzing complete," the female voice said. "Contents residing within the container have the genetic structure matching the vegetable known as lima beans."

Another voice, male this time—and more electronic than the first voice let out a low sound.

"Hmm…." The figure said thoughtfully, shaking the can a little. "Confirm age."

"Analyzing," a low humming sound followed after a bright light. A few seconds later the female voice said, "Age confirmed. Five years, and two months since it was first packaged."

"Sweet shmeeblets!" the figure cried, sitting up a little straighter and tossing the can aside. "And they actually serve this stuff here? That's terrible! I'm surprised that all these young Earth beings are still alive after having to eat such slop!"

"Yeah, tell me about it," Dib let out before he could stop himself.

The figure jumped to its feet and glared in Dib's direction, a tiny pair of glowing blue eyes narrowing angrily. He rammed himself onto the side of the shelf, causing it to fall towards Dib. Dib held his arms over his head protectively and shut his eyes tightly. He waited for the impact but only a few cans hit him over on the head. Dib opened one of his eyes and saw a large amount of space was still left between him and the shelf. He looked up, thinking that the very top of the shelf collided with the one behind him and had left a lot of space for him at the bottom.

Dib shuffled his way past the many cans that littered the floor and towards the door. Once in the door frame he looked down the other aisle. Whoever was there was long gone by now. He turned and ran out the kitchen and over the serving counter. His eyes darted around the cafeteria, only finding several turned over tables but no person. Dib stomped his foot angrily.

His brows furrowed as he walked out the cafeteria's doors. He walked through several hallways until he finally managed to get outside. Dib sat down on the skool's front steps with his elbows on his knees and his chin cupped in between his hands.

"What the heck is going on?" he asked himself frustratedly. "Did I actually see what I just saw? Yeah, I definitely did. But what was it I actually saw? Hmm…it had a robotic voice, but the way he talked showed that he had intelligence of his own. It was also analyzing the skool's food…but why would it do that? Could it be some kind of android sent to the skool to check up on the freshness of the lunch we eat? If that's the case then…the government probably sent it. Who else would even remotely care if a bunch of kids get food poisoning from cafeteria food?"

Dib furrowed his brows in deep thought. Several more questions entered his mind and went out of his mouth.

"But the android said 'sweet shmeeblets', either that some kind of robot code, or some really weird way of saying 'holy cow!' Huh. 'Sweet shmeeblets'….that's kinda funny. Now what else did he say? He called us 'Earth beings'….Earth beings….ert beein's….WAIT A SECOND!"

Dib leapt to his feet and began pacing on top of the steps. He began to wave his hands in gesture at his sudden realization, "Why would an android sent from the government call us Earth beings? Because it isn't a government android! _It's another alien_!"

"Oh, another foreign boy?" a deep voice asked from behind. Dib jumped and turned to see the hovering screen with his father's image floating over him. Dib laughed weakly and wiggled his fingers in a meek greeting towards his father. Professor Membrane looked down at his son with an arched eyebrow. "Come on son, let's go. Your sister's at home waiting for us. I think she ordered in pizza for the two of you."

"Okay dad," Dib said obediently.

The screen flew quickly across the skool yard and down the side walk on that all too familiar route to home. Dib walked silently beside the screen, glancing at it nervously from time to time. It was long while before his father finally spoke.

"Son," he said in his usual high and mighty voice. "What have I told you about testing highly explosive things in skool?"

The professor's son sighed wearily, quoting his worn out statement. "You told me that 'bomb testing should be done in a secluded area where no one would find and arrest you or get hurt'. Yeah, Dad….I know."

"That's right," his father said as he nodded. The screen zoomed over Dib's face, the professor's face growing stern. "But you didn't listen to me. This is the third time during the skool year that you nearly blew up the skool. I had to let the skool board take some money from my science research funds in order to pay for the damages. And believe me son, they took a lot. Now what do you have to say for yourself young man?"

A pair of thin metal arms came out from the sides of the screen's frame and rested on imaginary hips. Dib pouted a little and bowed his head. He looked down at his boots for a while before saying, "Sorry Dad…I didn't mean to blow up the skool….again. I promise not to do it again."

The screen leaned forward a little more, the professor's brows furrowing. "That's what you told me last time. But still you went and blew it! Literally…"

Dib looked up, "I know, I know! And I'm sorry! This time I'll promise not to touch any explosive devices!"

"And?"

"And I swear that I won't make them any more!"

"And?"

"And I promise that I'll never even touch the tools to make them!"

"_And_?"

"And I—and…um…hmm. Is there anything else?"

"Yes," Professor Membrane said, the metal arms retracting back into the frames. "As a matter of fact there is. I let you use the ultra-suction vacuum top to clean up all that soda water. What do you say….?"

"Thanks Dad," Dib sighed. "Yeah, thanks a LOT…"

"Don't use that tone with me son!"

"Sorry," he muttered. A fake smile burst onto his face as he laced his fingers together and tilted them beside his cheek. Dib's eyes brightened and his voice suddenly became overly happy, "Thanks daddy! Thanks for helping me clean up the rest of that disaster! Because if you didn't my arms would've popped out of my shoulders from all that horrible grueling work! I wuv you daddy!"

Dib jumped up and took the screen into his arms in a tight embrace. Professor Membrane's goggled eyes went completely round when his son's chest smothered the screen. After staring wide-eyed at the blue shirt with the large grey smiley face, the arms came out once more to gently push dib away. The professor coughed into his fist to shake off the awkwardness of the situation and his son's sudden attitude change into that of a three-year-old's. The arm gave Dib an unsure pat to the head as he said, "Uh, very good son—much better. Now before we head home there's one more thing you need to do."

"Seriously? What is it?"

Later, Dib and the screen stood side by side in front of a strange looking glowing green house that stood in a cul-de-sac a few blocks away from the skool. Dib stared disbelievingly at the house's broken down exterior. There were several large holes that were poorly covered by planks of wood that were sloppily nailed down. The windows were just as bad and the blue door with the men's bathroom sign was barely holding onto its hinges. Dib stuck out a finger at the house and stared into the screen at his father, "_Dad_! I _can't_ go in there and _apologize_ to him!"

"No, no, no!" his dad answered quickly, wagging a heavily gloved finger at him. "You have to son! Your teacher told me that the desk you put those bombs under belonged to that little foreign boy. And now I think that the right thing for you to do is to go in there and apologize. Now, go on! Get in there!"

"_But Dad_," Dib whined, his fingers curling as he held his hand out in front of him. "I just can't do that! Please!"

"Don't be difficult son." The arms came out and took hold of Dib's shoulders, pushing forward across the lawn and closer to the house. Dib clenched his teeth and tried to dig the soles of his boots into the ground. As the door got closer and closer, the sense of dread filled his every being. He glanced at the hideous lawn gnomes that littered the yard and expected them to start firing lasers out of their eyes. But the worst they did was stand there, following their movements with large wide eyes.

Once at the doorstep, one of the arms let go of Dib's shoulder to knock firmly against the door. The professor cleared his throat and smoothed back his long black hair scythe. Dib stared at the door, wishing with all his might that Zim wasn't there. Don't be home, don't be home, don't be home! He thought apprehensively.

Silence answered the knock. His dad knocked again. A loud grinding metallic sound went off somewhere inside the house, followed by several clanks and bangs. Both pairs of eyes went completely round at the commotion they heard from inside. They glanced at each other, the metal arm reaching up to knock again.

"Hello?" Professor called out. "Is there anyone in here? We'd like to speak to a child named…uh…"

"Zim," Dib said.

The door was suddenly thrown off its hinges, Dib and the screen just barely managing to get out of the way in time. A man wearing a white shirt and sweater vest smiled widely at them, his be-speckled eyes crossing themselves. His head twitched as his neck sent out several sparks. The pinchers at the ends of his arms loudly clacked together, one of them snapping a brown pipe in two.

"W-w-welcome h-h-home son!" the man said in cheerful deformed voice, his neck bending at a painful angle. His arms flailed wildly and he spun in a circle on his single wheeled leg.

"Uh…yes, speaking of your son," the professor said unsurely. "_My_ son would like to have a word with him."

"No I don't!" Dib said angrily. His father shot a short glare in his direction.

"So where is your son?"

"O-o-our sssssssonnnnnn is just wonderful!" the man said, his eyes looking in opposite direction. "Thank you s-s-so much for asking! G-g-good bye now!"

He made a swinging action with his arm, as if he was supposed to close the door that was no longer there. A short yell came from behind the strange man with the bent and sparkling neck. Dib's eyes widened a little as he saw Zim jump onto his 'father's' back, taking hold of the sparking neck and wrestling him down. In a blink of an eye Zim kicked him a few times before shoving him to the side and out of sight. He quickly ran forward, picking up the door and throwing it back into the door frame.

Zim leaned his back heavily against it, readjusting the wig on his head frustratedly. He looked up at the humans with his narrowed contact-covered eyes. When he spoke he spat all his hatred towards Dib, "What are you doing here Dib-worm?"

"What's with your house Zim?" Dib said, his voice becoming slightly shrill. "Did you go nuts with the weapons or something?"

"Silence you filthy meat-sack!" Zim shot back. "This is all YOUR fault anyway!"

"My fault? But I didn't even do anything yet!"

"Yes you did son," Professor Membrane said. A metal arm came around his sons shoulders and pulled him closer to the side of the screen. "You blew up those bombs underneath this boy's chair. He could've been seriously injured! Now apologize to the nice little foreign boy son."

Both boys stared at him blankly. Was he serious? They both thought. Then their gazes locked onto each other, both equal in malice. Zim smiled, revealing interlocking teeth. A cocky expression came over his green face as he continued to look at Dib.

"Well?" he said pompously. "I'm waiting Dib-foul. I'd really like to hear you PATHETIC attempt to apologize for nearly burning my skin off."

Dib clenched his teeth, his glare throwing laser scalpels into Zim's forehead. He looked to his father, who gave him a cold glance of impatience. Dib's shoulders slumped and he looked towards the ground. He gave a sigh of defeat, " 'msawy."

"Whaaat?" Zim held cupped a hand over the side of his face where an ear should have been. "I can't hear you Dib! And I'm up here, not in the dirt beneath your pig-smellie boots."

Dib strained his muscles to look the alien in the face, his voice even more strained. "I said…I-I'm s-s-sssssssss…..sa-so-suh-suh…._suh_…"

Zim smiled evilly at Dib's attempt to pronounce the word. He crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head slightly, his pompous smile growing even bigger. By Tallests this was so fun! Watching that disgusting Earth boy falling apart in front of his very eyes made him want to dance like G.I.R. Oh the torment on the boys face…absolutely delightful…Darn, he should've brought a recording device!

"I…I…." Dib clenched his teeth. One of his eyes narrowed in deep dislike for the jerk in front of him while the other seemed to bulge from straining. "I….I'm…ssssss-suh…suh—aww—ry!"

"Eh? What the heck is suh-aw-wy supposed to mean?"

The arm around Dib's shoulders tightened its grip and the screen came closer to his face. The professor's brows furrowed even more when he said, "Say it properly son!"

"Okay! Fine!" Dib said loudly. "Zim! I'm sorry for trying blow up your sick green face to bits earlier today! There, happy now you jerk?"

"Dib! Don't be rude!"

"Yeah Dib," Zim spat. "You should listen to your parental unit. And no, I'm not happy with your PATHETIC apology. You make me sick you filthy big-headed pig-smellie!"

"My head's not big! And what the heck do you want me to do instead? Lick your stinkin' boots too?"

"Well, now that you mention it, my boots have been getting awfully dirty…."

"_Dad_! See how this jerk treats me? He's my mortal enemy! I shouldn't have to apologize anything to this guy!"

"Now, now son," Professor Membrane said, making the arm give his son a reassuring pat on the shoulder. He shook his head a little. Why did these two hate each other so much? As far as he could tell the strange green foreign child was quite nice from their first meeting a while back. The boy was just a strange kid with a serious skin condition, that shouldn't make Dib believe that he's an alien and hate him for being different. The professor let out a frustrated sigh before continuing, "Don't try to cause more trouble. Now let's try again but nicer this time, hmm?"

Dib looked into the screen and whined, "But _Dad_! I can't!"

"Son, don't be difficult. Just go on ahead and say it."

"All right," he said in defeat. He bowed his head, looking up at Zim with tired eyes. "I'm really sorry Zim. I'm really sorry for planting those bombs in your desk and try to blow back to wherever it is you're from. So…yeah…I'm sorry."

A long silence followed. Zim held his head high, a proud look of victory on his face. Dib stared blandly up at him, his eye twitching slightly. Zim took a deep breath, relishing this wonderful moment of the Dib-pig's pain and humiliation. He reached over and gave Dib's shoulder a hardy pat, causing the human to twitch even more.

"I know you are Dib," he said with a smile. "I know, and just to show you how much I appreciate you for doing this…I have a present for you."

"A present?" both Dib and his father said at the same time.

"Yes, a truly wonderful gift…but unfortunately it isn't ready yet. I'll give it to you later, some other time, but all the same very…very soon."

"Isn't that nice," Professor Membrane said. "I guess you two are friends again, right son?"

"We weren't friends in the first place," Dib muttered. But then coughed and added, "Oh yeah! Right, we're friends again. Best friends."

"Yesss," Zim hissed. "Such good friends are we! Such wonderfully great friends! You could almost say that we're the 'perfect friends'."

Dib stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth at the sick untruthfulness of their words, especially Zim's. He raised a brow in question at the strange smile on the alien's face. What was this alien scum up to now? And what about this so called 'present'? It's probably a rabid alien sea cucumber wrapped up in a box ready to spring out and maul whatever it sees first. Dib would have to extra careful from this point on and prepare himself for whatever it was zim had planned for his 'present'.

Zim let out a low chuckle. How foolish the little worm baby was!

They stared icily at each other before the screen's mechanical arms took their hands and clasp them together. Dib and Zim let out short cries of disgust of the sudden connection of their hands. They looked the screen at the smiling professor who said, "There, now let bygones be bygones."

The metal hands moved up and down, helping the two boys along in a weak handshake. Zim squeezed the appendage hard and dug his claws deeply into Dib's skin. Dib grimaced and returned the tight hold, hearing a satisfying pop come from Zim's clawed hands. Zim let out a yelp and pulled back his hand. He glared at dib but soon a happy expression burst onto his green face, "Well! I guess you two will be heading home now." then in a fast pace he said, "It-was-nice-seeing-you-drive-carefully-I-gotta-tend-to-some-muffins-with-flaming-screws-now-so-BYE!"

Zim zoomed back behind the door and slammed it shut. Inside a muffled yell and whir of machinery could be heard. Professor Membrane guided his son away from the house and back onto the sidewalk. A smile came to his face but was hidden by his tall white collar. He used the robotic hand to ruffle his son's hair affectionately.

"There, see?" he said happily. "That wasn't so hard was it?"

Dib kept his eyes forward, the look of utter irritation glued to his face. He glanced into the screen at his father and muttered, "Tch. Pooping out your home-made puffer fish and porcupine casserole was nothing compared to this."

"What was that son?"

"Nothing!" he said, looking back over his shoulder at the ugly green house.

Later, around two in the morning, Dib lay in his bed in a fitful sleep. He tossed and turned in his, clutching tightly to the hem of the blanket. He muttered softly, most of his words revolving around 'Zim' and 'I'm not gonna let you suck out my brain again.' Dib yawned loudly and pulled the blanket over his head. In his mind he began to dream that horde of giants bees where swooping over his house. A particularly large bee flew down and tapped hard at his bedroom window.

Taptaptap…taptaptap…taptaptap….

Dib yawned, "Go away Mr. Bee…I'm tryin' to sleep…"

Taptaptap…taptaptap…taptaptap….He groaned softly, burrowing his head underneath the pillows. Taptaptap…taptaptap….taptaptap. Oh so much tapping! Dib lazily slammed his hands over the pillow to muffle out the sound. Taptaptap…tappittytaptap…taptappitytap. I hate bees, Dib thought groggily. He heard a loud swoop, then a steady deep humming. Dib squeezed his eyes tighter, hoping the sound would fade. But it didn't, the humming just got louder and louder until it got so loud that his entire room seemed to shake.

Dib's eyes flew open and he shot upright in his bed to see something silver smash through his window and bounce onto floor. He screamed, backing up against the wall beside his bed as far as he could. His eyes widened as he stared at Zim's evil robot dog minion run amok in his room.

G.I.R. flew up to Dib and tackled him in a hug. He squeezed his arms tightly around Dib's throat and screamed, "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII MR. BIG-HEAD!!!!!!!! MY MAZTA'S GOTS A PRESSIE FOR YA!"

Dib choked for air, pushing away the little robot. The force of the push sent G.I.R. falling onto the floor none too gracefully. He immediately picked himself up and flew out of the broken window. Dib took a few deep breaths before jumping off the bed and to his window. His eyes nearly bulged out at the sight of the dark pink and purple alien ship shadowed by moonlight hovering just outside.

"Greetings _Dib_!" Zim said bitterly from his seat inside the Voot Cruiser. "Sleep well you dirty drooly huumun?"

"What are you doing here?" Dib demanded shrilly.

"Hmm? Oh me?" he leaned further back into his chair, buffing his claws on his dark pink shirt. He crossed his legs and smiled deviously. "I'm just here to deliver my PRESENT to my WONDERFUL friend Dib. Why do you ask?"

"Get out of here now alien! Or else I'll activate the security system that'll blast your green butt out of the air!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk….Dib-worm, Dib-worm….poor naïve, stupid Dib….how could you say that to your good friend Zim? If I had a heart it would probably be broken by now. Your words BURN Zim, big-head."

"My head's not big! GET OUT OF HERE!"

Zim chuckled at Dib's stupid looking angry face. He leaned forward, putting either hand on the control panel and gripped it tightly. Dib stood his ground and glared right back at him.

"Don't act like you don't know anything you stinky earth monkey," Zim growled.

"Know what?" Dib shot back.

"That you purposely got the base to destroy itself!" Zim yelled, throwing a chunk of what was left of his kitchen table at Dib's forehead. It hit with a lot of force, sending Dib falling hard onto the bedroom floor. Zim cackled wildly at the pained yelp that the human released. He fell back into his seat and began to flail around as his laughter became more and more wild.

Dib got up slowly, taking hold of the chunk of wood and throwing it back into the ship's cock pit as hard as he could. He rubbed his forehead, everything starting to tilt to the side in his vision.

"Zim!" Dib yelled. "What the heck are you talking about? I didn't do anything to your stupid base today!"

"You're lying!" Zim sat back up and clawed the air. "Lies! Lies! LIES! You lie to the almighty Invader Zim! I will destroy yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

"Shut up! Just fly away space boy! I don't need this right now. I am tired and I just wanna sleep after what happened today!"

The alien yelled in frustration, "LIES! You planted a mass of germs inside the cooling unit in my home base and waited for them to grow and multiply until they took over everything in my beautiful base!"

"Wha—? What are you talking abou—"

"Oh you waited all right…You waited until that horde of vile parasites was practically bursting from that container! Then when you knew that they were ready to hatch you blew up those bombs in my face and had everyone purposely sent home! You knew that once I got there those disgusting things would come out and get me! You also knew that the house would destroy itself by firing cleansing lasers at full power in itself! You planned this whole thing you filthy stink-beast!"

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"I SAY THAT YOU DO STINK-BEAST!"

"I LIKE CHICKEN BUTTS!" a high-pitched voice shrieked from above their heads.

Zim and Dib's faces went blank, both of them looking upwards. A large window of tinted pink glass closed down on Zim and he took hold of the controls, backing the ship away and turning around. Dib's eyes widened at the sight of the mass of garbage sitting on the ship's back. He had to tilt his head back to look all the way at the top.

G.I.R. was sitting at the very peak of the mountain of garbage hugging a moldy, mutilated piece of meat. He opened his mouth wide and tossed the meat into his mouth. Dib gagged loudly and clapped his hands over his mouth to stop the flow of barf from spilling out. G.I.R. gulped down the meat which left a mess of dark smears and little tufts of mold on his face. He made loudly lip smacking sounds and gurgles. Once he had completely swallowed the thing he leaned back and gave a content burp followed by a small sigh. G.I.R.'s eyes widened as he spotted Dib way down below. He raised his tiny thing arm and waved.

"THIS," Zim's voice yelled from the other side of the mountain. "This the debris from that mess you made of my base! So enjoy your present Dib-pathetic!"

"What?" Dib shrieked. "But I didn't DO anything! And—wait. Present? Oh no…."

"Oh yes…" Zim hissed slyly, slamming his fist on top of a purple button on the control panel. A low grinding sound filled the cock pit and he listened as the mass of garbage shifted forward and land against the building. Oh how he wished that he could see the look of Dib's face as all the filth spilled into his domain. Wait, rearview surveillance camera. Duh.

As a loud nasally scream filled the air, Zim clicked on a few keys on the control panel. A screen appeared on the ship's glass, showing what happening behind him. Zim laughed as he watched Dib scream as he was buried alive in the garbage. He was swept beneath the filth, his pointy hair-scythe the only thing that was visible over it all. Zim leaned back in his chair and sighed happily. Ah, payback…such a delicious treat in any Invader's life.

He pushed another button on the panel to turn on the speakers and yelled, "Ha! Take that _Dib_! That is what you get for destroying my base! Hope you enjoy your massive present of stinky filth huumun! G.I.R.! Get back inside the ship and let's go!"

"Yes my lord!" answered the robot who had taken flight just before the massive garbage mountain shifter. Its eyes changed from blue to red at the sound of his master's command. He flew underneath the ship and entered the circular opening beneath. Once inside his eyes flashed back to blue and he latched himself onto Zim's head. "I wuv chicken butts! Dey tastes geeeewwwwd!"

"Get off G.I.R.!" he shouted, shaking his head furiously before taking hold of the control sticks. The cruiser shot upwards and in a flash it was zooming away from the house at light-speed.

Dib clawed his way out of the sea of debris, coughing up several stale cheese puffs out of his mouth. His mouth hung open at the garbage around him. It was buried beneath piles of wood, glass, rotten food, and whole mess of things he didn't want to look at right now. Dib grimaced and shudder loudly. After a few seconds of frowning at the filth a long pained yell came out from inside his chest.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I HATE THAT STUPID ALIEN MORON!"

"SHUT UP DIB!" his sister's voice yelled from across the house. "I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"

"SON!" his father's voice yelled from far below in the basement. "YOU BETTER NOT BE CONJURING UP A MASS OF THE WALKING DEAD UP THERE!"

"NO I'M NOT! AND I ALREADY SAID I WAS SORRY FOR THAT!"


	5. Chapter 5: Better Left Unsaid SERIOUSLY

**Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!**

By Lucille Bluejay

Rating: PG

Warnings: None, unless the minor violence counts.

Disclaimer: I, Lucille Bluejay, do not own the characters from the Nikelodeon cartoon Invader Zim. I do not own Zim, Dib, Gaz, G.I.R., Professor Membrane, or Miss Bitters. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AND THE CREDIT FOR THE CHARACTERS CAN GO TO Mr. Jhonen Vasquez. Well, actually I do own ONE character, but who cares?

Summary: As Zim and Dib continue with their usual crazy and dangerous antics, a new kid is caught up in the quarrel. But soon suspicions arise, bombs explode, a certain Irken is tossed about like a rag doll, a certain young paranormal investigator becomes a test subject for unimaginable tests of PAIN, and a certain mindless robot is kidnapped! Yeah, whoop-di-friggin'-doo. INSANITY INSUES! PARTNERSHIPS DESTROYED! CONDIMENTS BOILED! AWESOME RAD TECHNO MUSIC SCREAMS! AND ZIM'S MISSION IS PUT AT RISK! DIB IS INTRODUCED TO FOODCORTIAN COOKWARE! AND G.I.R. IS ADMIRED BY A VERY CREEPY CHILD! If this doesn't interest you then just turn back. NOW.

**Chapter 5: Better Left Unsaid…SERIOUSLY**

For the next week or two the skool building was closed for repairs and renovations. Although, just because the skool building was shut down didn't mean that classes were cut. Classes were to continue outside in the skool yard and playground despite the large amount of protest from both students and teachers. So there they all were, clusters of injured people scattered around the skool underneath the polluted orange sky. Many of them were covered head to toe in bandages due to the injuries they received from yesterday's fizzly water bomb incident. Others, on the other hand, had tubes attached to their throats to help them breath because of the large amount of gum still clogging their throats.

The students would either be surrounding their teachers in circles or would be sitting in straight rows to imitate the order they were in when they still had their assigned desks. The latter being the way in which Miss Bitters had her students assembled.

Miss Bitters' class stood at the skool's front steps with said teacher sitting at a desk underneath the steps' concrete canopy. Despite the shade, she wore a dark cloak over here spindly frame to protect her from the sunlight. She narrowed her eyes at her students sitting in neat rows in front of her on the walkway. Her hateful glare soon focused on one certain student sitting in the front row on her way right.

Dib was sitting a little away from the rest due to his messy appearance and the flies that flew over his head. His expression was bland as he stared into the space in front of him. He only frowned every now and then because of the loud gags that his classmates released.

"Ugh!" Sarah, a grim looking girl with unbelievably flat black hair, gagged. She held onto her nose and squinted her baggy eyes shut. "It stinks! You stink Dib!"

"Yeah! Gross!"

"What did you do? sleep in the garbage dump?"

Dib sighed heavily, "no, but something pretty close to that."

Zim snickered loudly into his hands and received a glare from dib. Dib growled loudly and clenched his hands into fists. Zim giggled even louder, bending his head towards his lap and banging his fists on the concrete.

Miss Bitters growled in the green student's direction and pulled out her attendance book. In a raspy voice she began reading off names, "Sarah?"

"Here," the girl answered lazily.

"Melvin?"

"Here! Here! I'm here!" a boy with a light colored tuft of hair on his head waved furiously.

"Chunk?"

"Duuuhhh….here!" answered a boy with crossed eyes and an over stuffed red jacket.

"Dib?" miss bitters spat, her eyes narrowing into tiny slits. Dib waited several seconds before drawling out a lazy 'here'. The role call went on for a while longer, each child answering their names with so many lazy responses. It droned on and was so very dull until she called out Zim's name.

"Zim?"

"Yes!" he said loudly, waking up from his daze. He saluted. "Zim is here and reporting sir!"

"Be quiet you little worm," Miss Bitters hissed. She looked down at the list again and attempted to pronounce the last name there. "Mi…" she said slowly. "Michelle? Michelle? Are you here Michelle?"

She looked up from the list and searched for the child. All her students stared blankly back at her. Several them let out a loud and confused 'huh' before looking around themselves. Dib raised his hand, "Miss Bitters? I don't think we have a Michelle in this class."

"Don't be stupid boy," Miss Bitters growled. "Michelle is the new student that joined us yesterday."

A long…painful silence followed. A loud screeching sound broke through the silence and the mass of students and teachers turned to see a sleek Italian sports car slam to a halt at the skool's front gate. The car was spotless, its red paint gleaming bright in the sunlight. All the children gazed with sparkling wonder at the beautiful automobile while the teachers frowned in its direction with envy. Its passenger door opened, and out hopped Mich in his dark blue prep skool uniform. He ripped his jacket open, practically tearing it from his shoulders and threw it into the car.

"Thanks a lot!" he yelled at the person inside as he rolled up his sleeves to his shoulders. "I'm late! I should get rid of you on the spot you worthless little piece of dookie!"

"Sorry sir," answered a stiff male voice.

"Make sure it doesn't happen again or else I'll rip you apart!" Mich screamed and slammed the door shut. The car zoomed forward and out of sight with almost everyone's eyes following it in awe. Mich smacked his forehead and sighed, adjusting his tie with the bright smiley face. When he turned around his eyes bulged at all the people who gawked at him. He laughed nervously, spotting his class at the front steps and running towards them.

"Sorry I'm late Miss Bitters!" he said, plowing past all his new classmates to hand her an excuse note. Miss Bitters snatched up the note and looked it over quickly before throwing it into the desk's drawer. She stood up slowly and leaned towards Mich, "Take your seat Michelle, and if you have one more tardiness will have you punished severely."

Mich tensed up at the sound of the name, his eye twitching several times. The class burst out into a roaring laughter and so did the other groups of children further away. Mich spun around at them and stared, horrified, at all the laughing faces. They all held onto their bellies and pointed in his direction. A mocking chant filled the air.

"MI-chelle…MI-chelle…MI-chelle….MI-chelle!"

Zim looked at everyone in confusion and joined in the laughter unsurely. Dib laughed too, trying hard to stuff his knuckle into his mouth to stop it. Mich's wide green eyes narrowed dangerously as they all began to taunt him.

"Ahahahahaaaa!!! Your name is Michelle! That's a girl's name!"

"A girl's name!"

"Ooooooooooooh! Pretty, pretty, pretty Michelle! Go where a pretty pink dress and pigtails to match your name! Lozer!"

"MI-chelle…MI-chelle…MI-chelle…MI-chelle!"

Mich shook with rage and screamed, "SHUT UP!!!!!"

Everyone was instantly silence and stared in surprise. He clawed at his face then at the air, yelling angrily all the while. Mich stomped his foot, causing the concrete beneath him to crack.

"My name is MICH you idiots!" he screamed. "And the way you pronounce my other name is Mi-TCHELL! Mi-TCHELL! Get it? Not Mee-SHELL! Do you get it NOW you bunch of moronic dirt-monkeys? And I don't EVER want to hear anyone of you mention that name again or else I'll CUT out your throats and SHOVE them up your—"

"SILENCE!" boomed a raspy voice.

Mich immediately went limp and slowly turned around. Miss bitters stood over him, glaring with fiery eyes through the shadow of her hood. She grabbed onto the front of his shirt and pulled him upwards. Mich's eyes widened even more as he stared into her ugly wrinkled face filled with so much hate. Everyone watched in silence at the scene, nearly all their mouths dropping into perfect o's.

"Michell," Miss Bitters said. "You will be silent, boy. You will sit at the back of this group and stay silent. And if you don't want anything TERRIBLE to happen to you, you will not have another outburst like this for the rest of the skool year! Do I make myself clear?"

"I…uh, okay," Mich said meekly. "B-but then I-I can't yell or anything like that? Even if a-all these stupid kids make fun of m-me?"

"No Michell, you can't. But if you do you will be brutally disciplined for it! Now shut up and sit down."

Miss Bitters released her hold on his shirt and he fell with a painful thud. Mich immediately scrambled up and headed towards the way back of the group, sitting down with a fearful look on his face. The students stared for a few more seconds before turning back to their teachers.

Dib looked back at him with some sympathy, emphasis on some. He let out a sigh. Hopefully the guys would back off of him about being 'Mr. Stinkman'. Hey, better him than me, Dib thought. He turned back to Miss Bitters and slumped his shoulders.

Zim continued to glare at the new student. Foul little earth beast, he thought. That'll teach you for insulting the mighty ZIM. Who's the loser now _Michelle_? Zim giggled softly, turning back to Miss Bitters with a sly smile.

Mich burned holes into the backs of his classmates' heads with his narrowed eyes. His fists clenched tightly in his lap and popped several knuckles. The frown he had deepened, showing how much loathing he had for everybody right then. He didn't even see the paper ball head his way.

A crumpled paper ball hit the top of his head lightly and bounced into his lap. Mich blinked in surprise and picked it up. When he uncrumpled it, it showed a crudely drawn picture of him wearing a dress and braided pigtails. Above the picture the words 'Girlie Boy Michelle' was written in big bold letters.

The paper ripped jaggedly in his hands. The two boys sitting in front of him snickered loudly. Mich growled, picking up a nearby rock and throwing it forcefully into the back of one of the boys' head. The boy let out a loud 'peh' sound and fell forward, his companion glancing at him then at Mich in shock. Mich snatched up another rock and playfully tossed it into the air and caught it again, a dark smile on his face. He plucked the rock out of the air and pinched it between his thumb and finger, completely turning it to dust. The boy let out a startled gasp and turned forward. Mich 'humphed' in satisfaction and tossed the paper aside.

"Stupid monkeys," he grumbled angrily.

"What was that Michell?" Miss Bitters said loudly.

Mich sat up straighter, his anger melting away again, "Nothing ma'am!"

During lunch, the cafeteria ladies where gathered behind several tables out in the playground's black top beneath a canopy. The students lined up beside the tables and where hastily given their trays filled with strange grey gruel. With plates in hand, they all dispersed over the playground to sit in groups. Dib stood behind his sister Gaz in the line, looking over all the groups for any sign of Zim. Gaz silently grabbed her tray and left the canopy to sit at the table a few feet away. Dib followed suit and slid into the seat beside her.

His eyes narrowed and carefully scanned each group for any sign of green and pink. Dib looked towards the skool's back entrance, and there Zim was—leaning against the wall beside the steps and shaking a small white and purple jar in his hand. Dib hastily pushed his tray away, picking up its juice box and running towards the green jerk.

Zim opened up the jar, taking out the plastic stick that was stored inside and dipping it into the jar's sticky contents. He brought the stick back out and shoved it into his mouth, humming a muffled tune. When he saw Dib walking towards him he frowned. What did that little maggot what now?

"Zim!" said Dib in his usual accusatory tone. He jabbed a finger at the jar. "What is that? Some kind of sick alien goop to sustain your evil life span?"

"Uh, _duh_," answered Zim. "It's called a snack you stupid earth pig. What's your problem?"

"You turned my room into a garbage dump! That's my problem!"

"So…?"

"'So'?" Dib echoed. "What do you mean so? I nearly drowned in the grossness of all that junk you dumped on me!"

Zim chuckled, taking the stick out and dipping it into the jar. As soon it was back in his mouth he said, "Myeah, I with voo did. Doo ba' tho'."

"What?" he asked, not understanding a single thing Zim just said.

The alien grabbed the stick out of his mouth and jabbed it in Dib's face. He sighed heavily in that 'you're so stupid' tone, "I _said_ that's _too bad_! And that I wished that you did drown in that stink like the little worm-baby you are! Jeez Dib-smellie, and you claim that Zim has the listening problem? Oh, and speaking of smellie, I see that my present has certainly left a rather rank odor on your filthy person."

Dib stared scalpels into Zim's head. He clenched the juice box in his hand tightly, its contents squirting out and hitting Zim in the face. Despite the fact it was accidental, Dib couldn't help but laugh at how the juice began to burn the alien jerk's face.

Zim dropped his jar and let out a short scream. He fell at Dib's feet, flailing his arms in agony as his skin sizzled. He wiped furiously at his face in an attempt to get the fizzling liquid off. Zim got up shakily, squinting his eyes through the pain. He lunged at Dib who squirted more juice into his face. Dib sidestepped Zim, smiling at how he fell hard on his face. Dib laughed and Zim screamed, their voices blending into an annoying mix.

The children shot sneers in their direction. Mumbling something about what freaks zim and dib were. They were all used to their fighting but it was always so…_annoying_. They turned away and continued on with their gossiping and gorging down the slop on their trays.

One child took interest in their fighting. He stood at the corner of the building and peeked at them. He laughed at how Zim began to flail and scream once his face was covered in apple juice. Mich looked on for a while longer, arguing with himself whether or not to go over to them.. He let out a small sigh before stepping forward and walking towards Dib with a fake smile.

"Hey," Mich said casually. He looked down at Zim, his eyebrow rising in question at Dib. "What's with him?"

"His alien body can't take the ph levels of most liquids here on earth," Dib said simply.

"Alien? This green faced-freak is an alien?" he asked slowly, looking back down at zim as he continued flailing. "From where?"

"I don't know yet, maybe I should ask him." Dib leaned over zim and poured out the rest of the juice box on him. Zim's eyes widened once the juice made contact with his shirt. It sizzled loudly and gave off a thick wave of vapor. Zim shrieked, causing both boys to cringe. Dib forcefully stamped his foot down on Zim's chest, holding him down so he wouldn't get up and run. Dib glared down at him, "What's the name of you evil alien race Zim?"

Zim answered with several short screams. Several faces looked their way. That wasn't good, no need to cause a scene. Dib bent over and shoved the box into Zim's wide mouth. Zim gagged and glared furiously up at him. Mich stood watching them confusedly, his eyes moving between the trench coat dork with the coke bottle glasses, and the abnormal looking sizzling green kid.

"What's the name of your home planet Zim?" Dib demanded, hoping he sounded tough and cool enough for Mich.

"He can't talk with that thing in his mouth," Mich said blandly. He reached over and pulled the box out of Zim's mouth. Zim spat into Mich's face and yelled, "don't touch me you stinky new earth flesh with the female title!"

Mich grimaced and wiped the spit off with the end of his tie. At the jumble of words that spilled out of Zim's mouth he looked towards Dib saying, "What the heck does that mean?"

"I think he insulted your name or something," he answered, pressing his boot down harder and smiling at the loud 'oomph' coming from underneath him.

"Yeah I did!" Zim yelled. "So what are you gonna do about it _Michelle_?"

Mich tensed up again, his eye twitching several times just like it had this morning. He shoved Dib out of the way and picked Zim up by the collar. The box was shoved all the way into Zim's mouth, but this time it managed to find its way into his throat. Mich violently shook Zim back and forth then slammed him against the skool's wall. He slapped Zim with free hand several times before releasing his grip and watching him slowly slide down the wall and throwing up a soggy glob of what was left of the juice box.

Dib watched opened mouth at Mich. Once Zim slid down the wall and lied in a pitiful heap on the ground, Dib burst out laughing. He fell on his back and kicked the air. Mich stood up straighter, turning on Dib and giving him a hard kick to the side. Dib let out a yelp, "Oww! Man, what was that for?"

"I don't like your nasally laugh you dork," he hissed.

"MI-chelle…MI-chelle…MI-chelle…MI-chelle…MI-chelle!"

The two of them looked towards the growing crowd of chanters. Mich gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. Dib got up hastily, watching as Mich went back to zim and violently hoisted him up. Zim winced in pain and growled in the human's face, his snake-like tongue sticking out at the corner of his mouth. Mich grabbed onto the striped tongue with both his hands and gave it a hard tug.

"Ack!" Zim gagged. "Wad ah ooh duu-en?"

"Shut up green freak," Mich said, nearly ripping out Zim's tongue. He lifted his foot up, slamming it against Zim's chest and pinned him against the wall. He tightened his grip on Zim's tongue, giving it several tugs in rhythm with the chanting.

Zim grabbed onto Mich's wrist and dug his claws deep into his skin. Mich yelped in pain, pulling back his arm and staggering back a little. Zim snatched up the snack jar that lay at his feet and forcefully threw it at Mich's head

PAK!

Dib grimaced at the sound the jar made when it met its mark. Dib shot forward and tried to grab Zim but the alien slipped past him and shoved Mich into the crowd of chanters. Mich landed on the ground hard on his back. The kids got louder, circling in on him—pointing, laughing, chanting—until all he could do was curl up and watched them in terror.

They were so disgusting looking! Their deformed faces, beady bulging eyes, and the sick drool that kept shooting out of their mouths. Mich's eye twitched even more and he gripped his slicked blonde hair tightly. The voices around him got louder and louder until they were practically splitting his head in two.

"MI-CHELLE…MI-CHELLE…MI-CHELLE…MI-CHELLE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mich screamed at the top of his voice, jumping up into the air and running past all those filthy students. They all laughed at his sudden departure across the playground and over the skool wall that bordered off thick thorny bushes. Zim stood up straight, shaking his fist in the air.

"Yes! That's right!" he yelled. "Run you foul earth child! That'll teach you to mess with the splendid tongue of ZIM! You should learn how to keep your FILTHY hands away from the splendid glory that is ZIM!!!!"

A hand lightly tapped Zim's shoulder. Zim spun and dib shoved the soggy box back into his mouth. He stared blandly into the green face, "You jerk."

Dib silently shoved past him and went back to take his seat next to Gaz. Zim spit out the box and yelled, "Oh yeah? Well you're a—a….you're a Mr. Stinkman Dib!"

"Shut up!" Dib yelled tiredly over the children's continuing laughter. "And there's nothing splendid about you Zim! Especially not that freaky tongue of yours!"

"Silence! Zim is splendid! And so is my tongue! Do not insult the pretty tongue stewped earth worm-baby!"


	6. Chapter 6: Weaponry of Magnetism!

**Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!**

By Lucille Bluejay

Rating: PG

Warnings: None, unless the minor violence counts.

Disclaimer: I, Lucille Bluejay, do not own the characters from the Nikelodeon cartoon Invader Zim. I do not own Zim, Dib, Gaz, G.I.R., Professor Membrane, or Miss Bitters. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AND THE CREDIT FOR THE CHARACTERS CAN GO TO Mr. Jhonen Vasquez. Well, actually I do own ONE character, but who cares?

Summary: As Zim and Dib continue with their usual crazy and dangerous antics, a new kid is caught up in the quarrel. But soon suspicions arise, bombs explode, a certain Irken is tossed about like a rag doll, a certain young paranormal investigator becomes a test subject for unimaginable tests of PAIN, and a certain mindless robot is kidnapped! Yeah, whoop-di-friggin'-doo. INSANITY INSUES! PARTNERSHIPS DESTROYED! CONDIMENTS BOILED! AWESOME RAD TECHNO MUSIC SCREAMS! AND ZIM'S MISSION IS PUT AT RISK! DIB IS INTRODUCED TO FOODCORTIAN COOKWARE! AND G.I.R. IS ADMIRED BY A VERY CREEPY CHILD! If this doesn't interest you then just turn back. NOW.

**Chapter 6: Weaponry of Magnetism!**

Somewhere in deep regions of space, somewhere near a planet called Gyblyhoo, the Irken Armada flew lazily. From far off it looked nothing more than a mess of tacky red and purple ships, a few large ships being escorted by so many smaller ones. On the largest ship, the one that flew in the center of a circle of battle ships, a loud and annoying voice filled its interior. In the _Massive_'s main control room, the Irken leaders stood on a round platform in the middle of the room surrounded by many cables and workers typing away at their assigned panels. The two of them stared sleepily up at the large screen where the image of a rather small yet big mouthed Irken soldier went ranting on and on…and on…and on….

"How dare that dirty human defile my splendidness!" Zim said loudly, his voice echoing throughout the whole ship. "He defiled me! Zim! The almighty Zim! The most powerful of all the Irken elite! How dare he? HOW DARE HE? Him and that foul human dib! They both defiled ZIM! They shall pay for their defileness! PAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!"

The Tallest shared an exasperated sigh. They looked at each other tiredly, then back at the screen.

"Zim," said Tallest Red. "You're not supposed to report in to tell us your problems, understand?"

"He shouldn't even be reporting at all." Tallest Purple muttered, earning himself a hard jab in the rib from Tallest Red's elbow.

"_Anyway_," he continued. "You are not to send us a transmission to dump all your problems on us unless it really matters. We're not shrinks, okay? To be honest we don't really care if some weird thing tries to rip your tongue from your head."

"Wow, wish I could've seen _that_!" Tallest Purple snickered. Tallest Red glanced back at him and smirked in agreement.

"But sirs!" Zim pleaded pathetically. "Those humans INSULTED me! And you know if one Irken is insulted, then our WHOLE race is insulted! I can't take that sitting down!"

"Then why don't you stand?" Tallest Purple suggested. "Oh no wait! You already are! Ha!"

He began to laugh at his very, very bad joke. Tallest Red raised a brow, his face blank. Tallest Purple's laugh died down and ended in a meek cough, "What? You don't get it? He said he can't take it sitting down, I told him to stand but he already is. But you can't tell 'cause y'know, he's so small and stuff, and stuff….okay I'll stop now."

"Thank you," Tallest Red huffed. He shook his head and turned back to the screen. "Zim, it's been nice talking to you, but really—we've got more important stuff to do right now. So yeah….end transmission now!"

"Wait!" Zim yelled, his voice causing several other screens to shatter. Really wasn't a good idea to have the main screen connected to the ships speakers was it? "Please my Tallests! I implore you to send something to me to help me defeat these vile humans!"

"What? You already had your shot with the Megadoomer!" Tallest Purple said, placing his hands on his thin hips.

"Whatever happened to that thing anyway?" Tallest Red questioned and scratched the side of his head.

"Uh…." Zim drawled, his eyes darting to the each corner of the screen. "It…uh…kinda….uh…it got lost! YES! That's it! It got lost!"

"Right…" both leaders said at the same time. "Of course it did."

"Yes it did!" he continued. "So I need something to replace it! Something like a brain melting skull drill or a biiiiiig doom ray! Anything to destroy those filthy heads clean off the humans' filthy shoulders!"

"Anything huh?" Tallest Red said. He furrowed his brow and tapped his chin in thought. Then he smiled smugly. "Are you sure about that Zim? Would you want _anything_?"

Zim smiled broadly and nodded several times, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Anything sirs!"

"Then excuse us one moment!" he said, grabbing Tallest Purple's arm and pulling him to the edge of the round platform. He leaned towards him and said in a hushed voice, "Quick, let's send that flesh eating giant Gorb-La slug and make it eat Zim!"

"Can't," Tallest Purple said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"What do you mean we can't?" Tallest Red hissed angrily.

"We sent it to Invader Larb for not giving us a good puppet show, remember?"

"Oh yeah…darn it! What about the eye-gouging blob egg from planet Luukat?"

"Went to Invader Frub. He needed it to defeat the thousand eyed tentacle worms on planet Shooknairenah remember?"

"Rats! What about the star beetles that can shoot comets out of their butts?"

"Nope. Those went to Invader Poon. He used them to shoot at the Resisty for his target practice, remember?"

"Is there anything else I forgot to remember purple boy?" Tallest Red whispered angrily. He smacked his forehead with impatience, looking back at the screen then at his co-leader. "Well, I got nothing that could blow up Zim or cause him unimaginable pain. What have you got?"

"Weeelllll," said Tallest Purple, rifling through the pocket of his waist ring. He pulled out a handful of small black squares. "I got these magnets!"

Tallest Red stayed silent and stared at Tallest Purple. He looked down at the handful of magnets then back up at his face. In a 'how stupid could you be voice' he said, "Do I even want to know why you even have those?"

"I use them to work out!" he said happily. Picking two magnets out of the bunch and pressing them together. He grunted loudly when they weren't able to touch each other. He narrowed his eyes at them. "_How_ do they do that? No matter what they just can't touch!" he tried to force them together again but failed. "Never! How is that possible? It's so freaky! C'mon ya stupid magnets! Stick! Stick! Stick darn you! You can stick to metal and stuff but not each other! WHY?"

Tallest Red let out an angry sigh and shook Tallest Purple's shoulders violently. He slapped his face a few times, each blow getting a very pathetic yelp. Zim watched their actions, one of his eyes narrowing slightly.

"Just shut up already!" Tallest Red said. "Now gimme those magnets!"

"What? Now way! I need to work out!"

"Shut up! Your arms are skinnier than your lekku! Now hand them over!"

"No!"

"Do ya WANT Zim to have one of our cool weapons instead? Or would you rather have to put up with a billion hours of hearing him beg us to give him something to kill those….whatever they are! Do you?"

Tallest Purple stayed quiet. He glance at his magnets, at Tallest Red, the screen where Zim was beginning to pick stuff out of his teeth. He shuddered outwardly at Zim. Looking down at the magnets sadly, he hugged them to his chest and sniffled. Tallest Purple hung his head as he held his hands out for his co-leader to take them.

Tallest Red let out a huffy 'finally', snatching up the magnets and floating back to the center of the platform. He hid his hands behind his back and looked towards the ceiling.

"Raise transporter," he commanded. A round panel opened in the platform and a pink tinted glass cylinder was raised up to his waist. He faked a smiled and said, "Okay Zim. We're going to send you one of our latest weapons."

"Yyyyeeesss!" Zim punched the air gleefully. "Thank you my Tallests! So, what is it?"

"What is it?" Tallest Red repeated. "Uh….sorry, can't tell you!"

"What? But why?"

" 'cause—uh—it's so advanced that none of our other soldiers have access to it yet! And um—only we Tallests know about it!"

"Yeah," Tallest Purple added in. taking his place beside Tallest Red. He grabbed onto his shoulders and pouted. "Can't I at least keep two of them before you give the rest away? Please? Puh-leeeaaaassssse?"

"No! Shut up already!" Tallest Red shouldered him hard and dropped all the magnets into the cylinder. "Beam items to planet Earth, Invader Zim's home base."

The little squares floated up to the middle of the cylinder, in a bright flash of light and a loud crack, they disappeared. The Tallests looked back up at the screen.

"There!" Tallest Purple said angrily. "Happy now Zim?"

"Oh yes my tallests," Zim said with a broad grin. "Thank you sirs!"

"Yeah, yeah whatever. End transmission now!" Tallest Red yelled to one of the techs.

"No wait! I still wanted to—"

Zim's voice was cut off and the screen filled with static. Tallest Red let out a loud sigh of relief. A louder growl came from beside him and a hand made a really painful connection with the back of his head.

"Ow! What was that for?" Tallest Red asked, rubbing the back of his head.

"For not saving me at least two of those magnets ya big jerk!" yelled Tallest Purple, pulling back his hand to hit him again. Just when his clawed fist was about to connect Tallest Red grabbed onto his wrist and they both went tumbling to the floor. Punching, biting, and kicking wildly like a pair of three-year old smeets.

"You big jerk!"

"You big moron!"

"I want my magnets back!"

"I want you shut it or else I'll snap both your lekku in half!"

"Meanie!"

"Moron!"

"Zim-brain!" Tallest Red yelled in his face

"Oh no you didn't! You did not just go there!" Tallest Purple said loudly, his head wagging from side to side. Tallest Red pushed him off and stood over him, imitating his head wagging and putting a hand on his hip.

"Oh yea I did!" he said, wagging his finger. "I went there, took some pictures, and came back! So watcha gonna do about it?"

Purple let out a roar and tackled Red to the ground, yelling something about being a fat headed Plutonian Utter-man.

Back on Earth, within the deepest parts of an Irken base, Zim waited beside his transporter. He tapped the pink tinted glass impatiently and stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth.

"Come on! Come on!" he hissed, squinting through the glass.

"Wwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-hhhhhhhoooooooooooooooo!!!"

Zim turned and saw G.I.R. running along the walls and on the ceiling of the dimly lit lab. He growled softly and yelled, "G.I.R.! Get down from there now!"

"Iiiii don' wanna!" squealed the robot as he ran in circles on the ceiling.

The Irken yelled in frustration, several metal spider legs pulling out of his Pak and raising him up. He jumped onto the wall and skittered towards the ceiling. His hands reached out towards his little robot minion but G.I.R. activated his leg jets and flew towards the floor, screaming happily throughout. Zim growled angrily, making the metal legs push him off the ceiling and shooting towards G.I.R. He missed, completely. His face smashed flat against the floor and he groaned.

G.I.R. flew circles around him, singing a strange song about bees. A loud crack and flash of light caused gir to yelp and fall to the floor. His large blue binocular eyes spotted the smoking cylinder transporter and widened.

"Oooooooh," he said softly. He ran up to the transporter, jumping onto it and grabbing the shiny black squares inside. The squares flew up, attaching themselves to his metal body. They covered both his eyes and his mouth, and latched onto nearly every inch of his little body. G.I.R. let out a muffled cry and fell on his back. He rolled around and pulled at his face.

Zim got up, moaning a little. He rubbed his face and squinted, his lekku tilting back in aggravation. Zim hopped up, running towards G.I.R. and tackling him. He ripped off all the little magnets and tossed G.I.R. aside. Pinching one of them in between two of his fingers, he looked at it curiously. He turned it over and over, tossing it into the air and catching it again. It was a magnet that was all. Just a magnet and nothing more. Zim went through the other squares that littered the floor but still they were all the same. Just plain, ordinary, magnets.

G.I.R. stood beside his master as he sifted through the magnets. He picked one up and whined once it latched onto his hand. He waved his hand around but the thing wouldn't fall off. G.I.R.'s eyes narrowed a little. He used his other hand to pull it off but it got stuck as well. He let out a high-pitch whine and pulled his hands apart but with no luck.

Zim reached over and shoved his hand in between G.I.R.'s. He lifted his foot and slammed it onto G.I.R. so that he was pinned on the floor. Zim pulled hard on the magnet, grunting loudly. He put his other foot on top of G.I.R.'s metal chest and arched his back. With one last grunt and tug, the magnet released its hold and sent Zim stumbling onto the computer panel. His Pak crushed the key board and it sent several electric shocks through his body.

"Aaaaiiiiieeeee!!!"

"Ooh," cooed G.I.R. as Zim's body glowed a bright shimmery blue. "Pretty!"

The Irken's body jerked and twitched until finally—he was thrown forward onto the floor. His face impacted with the floor with a loud smack. G.I.R. stared then burst into applause, shouting for Zim to do it again

"Reactivating," a stern male voice sounded out from the Pak. Another flash of blue light electrocuted throughout Zim's body. He let out a pained cry and rolled onto his back. He gasped heavily with his tongue lolling out of his mouth. Zim stared hard into G.I.R.'s upside down face.

"I hate you."

"Awwww….." G.I.R.'s eyes watered a little and he pouted. Then he shrieked. "Someone needs a hug!"

He leapt onto Zim and hugged him tightly. Zim grunted, slapping the magnet he still clutched in his hand onto G.I.R.'s forehead. The thin metal arms around his throat immediately slackened in their grip. He threw G.I.R. off and looked on with a raised brow at how he had suddenly become so still. He poked at its large metal head with his boot. Zim leaned in closer and studied G.I.R.'s face carefully.

It had lost all of its blue color, a sign that meant that he was dormant. Zim used all his strength to rip the magnet of its head. G.I.R.'s eyes snapped open and he shot upright. He scratched the side of his head confusedly.

Zim stared at him, then at the magnet. His lips peeled back into a toothy smile.

"Perfect," he hissed. "This is truly the perfect weapon! I must thank my tallests in my next report."

"It's a magnet," G.I.R. piped up. Zim gave him a hard glance and threw the magnet back onto its head. G.I.R. stiffened and fell over, dormant once again. Zim rubbed his hands evilly.

"The perfect weapon!" Zim said to himself. "It has the ability to shut down highly advanced machinery. I could use these to make Dib-thing's gadgets and poor excuses for other technology completely inactive. Then he'll have nothing on me….oh how sweet this victory shall be! But then…."

Zim folded his arms neatly behind his back and marched to the elevator. He entered and pushed a button on the panel beside the door for the kitchen. The doors closed in on him, a soft lurch and soon the elevator moved upwards. Zim's lekku flattened against his head as he thought.

"What of that new earth child in class? Michelle was it? Yes….he has no technology that I know of that he could use against me. That female named earth boy only uses brute force against me. But then I saw that he has some hostility against the Dib earlier. Perhaps the Michelle's hostility can be his own downfall. But how? _How_?"

The elevator lurched to a stop the doors opened. Zim marched out into the kitchen and headed out the entryway. A faint click sounded off and a flash of light followed. Zim gasped and turned his gaze towards the ceiling. His eyes narrowed as he searched for the source of the sound. A goggled helmet rose out of his Pak and latched over his head.

"Infrared vision," Zim ordered the helmet. The kitchen ceiling became a blur of purples and blues with the occasional ray of orange running through a cable. And then he saw it—a blob of bright red and yellow hanging over his head. It held a square glowing orange camera and had a scythe-shaped thing sticking out of its head.

"DIB!" Zim bellowed. the image skittered past and landed behind him. Zim roared and tackled Dib to the ground. The invisibility suit Dib wore let off a small spark from the impact with the floor and soon his body dissolved back into view.

They went rolling across the living room floor in a mess of flailing limbs. Dib yelled loudly and used all his might to kick the alien off his chest. Zim was sent sprawled a few feet away in a heap. Dib shot up and ran for the door. He ran out into the cold night air and didn't stop until he was safely on the sidewalk beyond the reach of the base's security system. Zim got up and stood in the doorway.

"Can't there ever be a day when I don't have you sticking your ugly huumun nose in my home base?" Zim screamed.

"No!" Dib screamed back. "Well—except for Friday nights when there's a two hour episode of mysterious mysteries!"

"_You're_ a sick mystery Dib!" Zim spat out hatefully.

Dib growled softly. "So are you! Whatever it is you got planned now Zim," he yelled. "It won't work like it always does!"

"Don't be so sure of yourself!" Zim answered. "I got something so _dangerous_ and _evil_ that you won't even begin to comprehend what it could do to you!"

"TCH, yeah right! What have you got? I bet you don't even have anything! But let me guess…fridge magnets that you're going to use to throw at me and hope they stick to me?"

Zim's face went blank in surprise then contorted in rage, "GNOMES! ATTACK THE HUMAN!"

The ugly lawn ornaments came to life and zoomed across the lawn towards Dib. The tackled him to the ground and began to beat the living day lights out of that big head of his.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" Zim bellowed. "You put another spy camera in my base again didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?" He slammed the door behind him and ordered the computer to do a full scan on the base's interior for any foreign spying equipment.

Dib yelped pathetically as he was pummeled by ceramic fists. His suit short circuited and sent shocks through the gnomes. They fell to the ground with a thud and dib sprung up and ran, screaming all the way to his house.

Unknown to either idiotic being, their loud squabble was being watched through a screen in a dark lab somewhere deep in the city. A shadowed figure leaned in closer and laughed at the high feminine scream that the human boy released. After the boy left, the shadowed figure watched the strange green house intently, its small green eyes narrowing dangerously.


End file.
